parenthingmentalhealth

No One Alone. A decade of support. Five years a charity. Thousands helped.

Mon, 11 Aug 2025 11:00:02 GMT

It started with a simple mission: to stand with those in crisis. Ten years on, our promise remains unchanged. Help us keep our vital support services open and free for every parent who comes to us in crisis. What began as one parent’s desperate search for connection in the middle of the night has grown into a movement - one that holds tens of thousands of families through the most frightening and isolating moments of their child’s mental health crisis.

Five years ago, Parenting Mental Health became a registered charity. Today, over 47,000 parents and carers find safety, understanding, and dedicated and empathetic community care with us 365 days of the year.

Despite supporting nearly 50,000 parents and carers we receive no government funding or dedicated project funding to fuel our community. We are a small, mission-driven team, with incredible volunteer moderators, and an amazing community built on extraordinary mutual care.

For the past five years we have been there for thousands of parents. Will you donate today and ensure the support available to parents and carers is always free and there for anyone who need us.

It costs £67,000 a year to run this community.

To keep it moderated, open, and rooted in empathy and understanding
To deliver safeguarding, crisis escalation, and trauma-led care whenever and however you need support
To care for the carers who look after our community 365 days a year
To keep everyone safe and ensure we can be there for anyone who needs us

This isn’t just a five-year anniversary. It’s a moment to reflect — and to act.

To celebrate the courage it took PMH founder Suzanne Alderson to ask for help; the love it took to offer it to thousands more, and the power of a support community that never sleeps.

Now we need to ensure that the next parent - the one who lies awake in the dark, crying in the car, breaking under the weight of their child’s struggle - finds what you found.

Hope. Help. A safe space for the hardest parts of parenting.

Parenting Mental Health only exists because of people like you. Please donate and together, let’s make sure it continues for another five years – and beyond.

Thank you.

Small Charities Week - Thank You

Tue, 22 Jul 2025 10:18:37 GMT

Thank you so much to everyone who donated, shared and supported last month’s Big Give and the National Council of Voluntary Organisation’s Small Charity Week campaign to support the Parenting Mental Health 2025 BE Programme!

Funding programmes such as BE is a huge undertaking for a small charity like ours. But thanks to donations raised by our amazing community, and our champions Global’s Make Some Noise, together you raised an amazing £4,640 (including gift aid) to give parents navigating their child’s mental health struggles the vital space to stop surviving and finally exhale. Thank you!

Parenting Mental Health is one of the few charities in the UK that specifically helps parents and carers who are supporting a child with mental health and other complex challenges, and whose needs and impact for positive change are all too often overlooked. We offer 24/7 care, support, information and skills, so that every parent or carer of a young person with mental illness and other support needs feels confident and included in their child's wellbeing journey.

The BE Programme is an 8-week course designed specifically to support parents of children struggling with poor mental health and other complex challenges. It aims to enhance self-confidence, strengthen connection with oneself, and equip parents with practical self-care tools to navigate the challenges of parenting in extraordinary circumstances, and access the calm that lives beneath the chaos.

To find out more about the BE Programme , or for more information on how to apply please click here .

Thank you once again for your incredible support in giving more parents the Power to Be.

Small Charities Week has now closed, but Parenting Mental Health still need your help.

Please donate and help fund our life-changing work today.

Thank you.

Small Charities Week

Mon, 23 Jun 2025 10:43:57 GMT

Across the UK, parents and carers are quietly breaking under the weight of a public health crisis they didn’t cause but are forced to carry. With 1 in 4 young people aged 17–25 now facing a probable mental health condition often combined with other challenges including ASC, SEND and other complex needs, families are stepping into roles they were never trained for.

Most face years of relentless caregiving without a roadmap, adequate support, or even recognition.

Our new research reveals the truth:

90% of parent-carers say their own mental health has suffered significantly.
Over half have been caregiving for more than 5 years.
Only 1 in 3 young people receive NHS treatment or social care to recover, leaving family members to fill the gaps.

These family members (parents, siblings, grandparents & more) are isolated, emotionally exhausted, financially impacted and expected to navigate a system that too often blames or excludes them. Yet they are key to their child’s recovery.

We must stop ignoring their suffering and start supporting their strength. We must partner with them, lifting families out of crisis and into a future of possibility.

This Small Charities Week , help fund Parenting Mental Health's 2025 BE Programme, a series of safe, trauma informed 8-week courses for parents-carers navigating their child's mental health struggles. A place where parents are given the space, tools and compassionate guidance to come back to themselves. A reset. A grounding. A place to BE.

When you donate between 12pm Monday 23rd June to 12pm Monday 30th June, 2025 - thanks to our champions Global's Make Some Noise , your donation will be doubled. Every £10 you give becomes £20 - powering more vital spaces and giving more parents the Power to Be.

Donate and help fund this life changing programme today

Thank you for your incredible support.

Parenting Mental Health - New Report Out Now

Mon, 02 Sep 2024 13:51:59 GMT

NEW REPORT OUT NOW

This September we're proud to launch a pivotal report that sheds light on the struggles millions of parents face while caring for children with mental health issues. This report is the first of its kind, offering an in-depth look at the lived experiences of parents across the UK.

Our research reveals the profound impact that caring for a child with poor mental health has on parents’ health, social lives, work and more. With over 2.5 million children in the UK alone affected by mental health issues, this report captures the voices of more than 600 parents who shared their personal stories and challenges.

Research: Millions of parents struggle with health problems, work worries and social isolation when caring for children with mental health issues

Millions of parents are struggling with poor health, social isolation and worries about work and finances due to caring for a child with poor mental health, according to a new report.

In the UK, around 2.5 million children have a mental health issue. Thought to be the first research of its kind, we have carried out an in-depth study, questioning 651 parents who are supporting a child with poor mental health to find out how it impacts their own health, wellbeing and day-to-day life.

Two-fifths of parents are seeking support or counselling for themselves, to help them cope with the challenges related to their child’s mental health, according to the research. The overwhelming majority (93.66%) of parents said that they experienced ‘a great deal’ or ‘a lot’ of stress and anxiety due to their child’s mental health challenges, while the remaining 6.34% had experienced ‘a moderate amount’ or ‘a little’. Not a single parent said they hadn’t experienced stress or anxiety.

Most parents noticed physical health changes in themselves that they attribute to this stress. Over half (53.82%) said they’d noticed ‘a great deal’ or ‘a lot’ of physical health changes, while 41.56% reported ‘a moderate amount’ or ‘a little’ change. Only 4.62% said they hadn’t experienced any physical health changes.

Most parents say that they feel their child’s mental health has impacted their sleep quality too. Nearly three-quarters (72.39%) noticed it had affected their sleep ‘a great deal’ or ‘a lot’, while a quarter (25.72%) said it had affected their sleep ‘a moderate amount’ or ‘a little’, with just 1.9% stating that it hadn’t impacted their sleep.

Parents also reported a huge worry when it comes to work and finances. Nearly all parents said that their child’s poor mental health had impacted their ability to work. Over half (54.26%) said it had impacted their ability to work ‘a great deal’ or ‘a lot’, while over a third (38.84%) said the impact had been ‘a moderate amount’ or ‘a little. Only 6.9% said there has been no impact on their ability to work.

More than two-thirds (69.50%) said they’ve had to take time off work because of their child’s poor mental health and 13% had given up their job completely because of their child’s mental health. The majority (70.22%) said that they’d experienced financial worries when caring for their child with mental health challenges.

Nearly all the parents polled said they’ve experienced changes in their social life or relationships with friends and family due to their child’s poor mental health, with over two-thirds (68.25%) experiencing ‘a great deal’ or ‘a lot’ of changes in their social life and friendships. Nearly two-thirds (62.16%) said they had experienced ‘a great deal’ or ‘a lot’ of changes with family relationships.

Suzanne Alderson, Founder of Parenting Mental Health, said: “Being a parent can be tough at the best of times. When you factor in the worries around caring for a child with poor mental health, it can feel impossible. Our research shows that parents are having to deal with so many challenges in relation to their children’s mental health, including being taken seriously by medical professionals and getting the right support through school. It can feel like a never-ending cycle of fighting to get the right support, all while learning about new medical terms, managing logistics and juggling work, life and caring responsibilities.

“Parents tell us they just don’t have the time or the energy for their own self-care or things like socialising, exercising, eating healthily or having proper sleep. If parents’ own physical and mental health deteriorates, they can’t give their best to helping their children. That’s why I set up Parenting Mental Health; to give families the support, skills and resources to help them through these difficult times. Having gone through all of this myself, I never want parents in the same situation to feel as alone and helpless as I once did.”

Suzanne founded Parenting Mental Health after experiencing the severe lack of practical and emotional support available for parents when her 14-year-old daughter was bullied, became depressed, and attempted suicide. The charity aims to support and skill 1 million parents through their child’s mental health issues by 2026.

What began as a Facebook group in 2016 has grown into a community of over 40,000 parents worldwide. Parenting Mental Health provides resources, such as books and courses, to help parents navigate this extraordinary and often unsupported and misunderstood experience. The charity emphasises the importance of parents prioritising their own mental and physical health and wellbeing as part of their caregiving role. And its community groups and services connect parents with others who understand their journey, helping to reduce the isolation and stigma that so many face.

We climbed a mountain

Fri, 12 Jul 2024 11:59:46 GMT

Four analogies for parenting mental health.

On June 9th, along with 44 intrepid fundraisers, I climbed Mount Snowdon to raise money for Parenting Mental Health (PMH). It was an incredibly challenging walk. The wind blew with 30-mile-an-hour gusts, and the clouds closed in. There were many points when I wondered if I would make it.

The great news is that all of us completed the challenge. The even better news is that we raised over £22,000 for PMH.

When I returned from our adventure, friends asked me how I’d found the climb. My response was, “It was truly horrendous.” I found it daunting and painful. At one point in the walk, I had a panic attack. I could not catch my breath, and I was really scared. Despite all of this, a month on, I honestly say I’m glad I did it.

As I reflect on my experience, I see four analogies between climbing a mountain and parenting a child with mental ill health.

Parenting a child with mental health difficulties is challenging.

In PMH, you will be seen and understood. There are others making the same journey. Being a parent of a child struggling with mental health is not a walk in the park. As we walked Snowdon, our bright pink hoodies enabled us to see one another's progress. That was a great encouragement. In life, we can find each other and cheer one another on in membership of the PMH community.

It is best to take it one step at a time.

I joked that it was fortunate that our walk was in the dark, so I could not see the steepness of the ascent ahead. If I had seen it, I would have been terrified. With no other choice, I focused on the path directly in front. I mentally celebrated every step. According to Fitbit, I conquered Snowdon with a series of small steps—30,665 of them!

Support from someone with experience is invaluable.

Fabulous guides from Elite Adventures, supported our ascent of Snowdon. Several times when I was flagging, a guide came alongside me. They shared words of advice and encouragement. They gave me hope that I could complete the challenge. At times, they even made me smile! The admins and moderators in the PMH community have all walked a parenting mental health journey of their own. Their comments and care have brought hope and light to me. You will not regret joining if you’re not yet part of the community. I also highly recommend the ‘Partnering not Parenting (PNP)’ course, written and run by PMH founder Suzanne Alderson. Advice from real-world lived experience is powerful. Many members, including myself, have found ‘PNP’ life-changing.

It’s your journey, and it’s not a race. Take breaks.

When I was barely halfway up Snowdon, members of other groups started passing me on their way back down. Their speed precipitated another wobble. ‘Surely this was too hard for me. Why had I even started?’ I paused to breathe. Our situations and circumstances were different. I had started with limited fitness and little experience. I did not know their starting point, but that was not my business! A comparison was unhelpful. I was here to walk my walk, and I could take as many breaks as I needed. I would finish, and the time would not matter.

I hope you find my analogies helpful, and I certainly hope I’ve not put you off fundraising for PMH. There are many less physically demanding ways to raise money. Why not show your support and join the BIG PICNIC for Parenting Mental Health?

You deserve to love yourself. A Valentine blog

Wed, 14 Feb 2024 17:48:03 GMT

When was the last time you told your child they were beautiful, funny, supported, loved?

Even if times are tricky and your connection feels a little one sided, I’ll wager that there are or have been moments when you look at them and you feel that rush of love.

And when was the last time you told yourself you are beautiful, funny, supported, loved?

I’ll wager it’s been a while.

Self love may be something that you, like many of us, weren’t shown how to cultivate growing up. While our parents loved us in their own way, expectations, judgements, and a lack of connection to who we are can have left us feeling that we’re not worthy of love and that loving ourselves is indulgent.

Because love is meant for other people isn’t it?

Well, if you look at the sea of red hearts in the shops at the moment, you’d think so. Valentines Day, the Christian feast day honouring an early martyr named Saint Valentine, has been co-opted into a worth exchange, IMHO, and commercialised to become the pinnacle of what love is. But under the mountain of rose petals and heart shaped everything, what does love actually mean, and why is loving ourselves so important to us and to our children?

In years past, I didn’t put much outward importance on Valentine’s Day, despite deep down wanting to be that lucky person who was surprised with a massive bouquet and an over the top show of unconditional love. I wanted the world to see that I was worthy of being loved (which, indeed, I was and am) because I didn’t feel it myself.

Over the years, through the dark days of caring for my husband through chronic depression while nursing a newborn and bringing up a 7 year old, and then my daughter’s mental illness, I came to the realisation that love is at its truest, most pure and potent self when it is silent and invisible to others.

Love is a purposeful act in an every day moment.

Love is sitting up all night watching your loved one, to make sure they see another day
Love is holding back someone’s hair as they throw up with food poisoning.
Love is de-icing the car, unloading the dishwasher, making a cup of tea.
Love is repairing without blame after an argument.
Love is seeing what is needed and giving it.
Love is the knowing and the showing that you’re there forever and for whatever.

But in all that loving for others, I lost sight of loving myself. And that’s easily done when we are caring, giving people. I was waiting for someone to give me permission to love myself.

Prioritising me didn’t feel like a worthwhile pursuit and loving myself when all I saw was what I wasn’t felt like a waste of energy, like pushing water uphill instead of the flood of love I so easily and readily gave out to my family and the world. But every day that I didn’t love myself was a day when my capacity to feel, empathise, and love was compromised. And when it impacted on my mental health and I burned out, something had to change.

When you come to self love, it tends not to be about accepting all of you at first, it is about accepting some of you. It’s about recognising your right as a human to have needs - emotional, physical, spiritual - and to meet them. It’s about seeing all of the good within you, the unique skills and talents and perspectives and love within you, while understanding that we’re all perfectly imperfect and that’s ok. It’s about recognising your right to positive wellbeing, connection and happiness, your right to say yes and no, your right to be exactly who you are in full technicolour and glitter.

But I fear that self love, like Valentine’s Day, has been co-opted.

It’s become another stick to beat ourselves with. If we don’t love ourselves, then we’re less than and not good enough. Failing at self love? Unworthy of self love because we can’t love ourselves?! Really? No wonder so many of us feel not good enough.

And there are already so many blockers to loving ourselves: our past, our parents, our world view, our current capacity, other people’s opinions, comparisonitis, shame, fear, judgement.

Self love can be so intertwined with how we see our bodies too, but it really isn’t about size. It’s about acceptance of all you are, who you are at your heart: every moment of your life from that small child who played with wild abandon to the grown up you today who is getting up every day and battling on.

If you have been through traumatic events in your childhood, you may dissociate from the present moment. Being in our body - the act of being present in ourselves - can be deeply unsettling and feel really emotionally unsafe. So we escape into food, alcohol, exercise, shopping….anything to release us from the act of being here, present, in this body. And that perpetuates the wrongness that stops us from accepting ourselves. We can use perfectionism, overworking, and too high expectations as a way to keep ourselves in a place of shame, where we are bad and not good enough. The inner critic tells us that we’ve failed, we’re rubbish, we’re useless. Why would we deserve to love ourselves then?

Well, dear reader, you absolutely deserve to love yourself as you are, whatever you've done, not done, believed, discounted, overlooked, felt, eaten, bought, said, thought, or hoped for.

But we all need some help to get us there, and we won’t find it in the Valentines aisle at the supermarket!

So, let’s take a look at some thoughts on how we can begin to love ourselves…

Making peace with our bodies - a large part of self love - isn’t about how we look, it’s about how we feel. Be curious about what truths or stories you’re telling yourself and what thoughts come up. You may not have actually recognised them, or you may be familiar with their narrative. Listening to what we are saying to ourselves that reinforces a lack of love is the beginning of understanding the capacity of our window of tolerance to distress and emotional dysregulation and building it. I often ask myself “is this true? Is this helpful? Can I control it?” And generally, it isn’t and I can control it by taking actions to soothe myself.
Discovering ways that suit you to soothe yourself empowers you to challenge the shame, so if you feel big feelings or small rumblings of emotion about yourself rising within, you can use something that can help you back to feeling calm. And what grounds and soothes me is probably different to what soothes and grounds you. That’s ok and exactly as it should be. Own what works for you. You can find a PDF of grounding techniques by clicking the image below.

Avoid negative self-talk - do you talk to yourself like you would your child or your best friend? I bet you don’t! So try it, just for a day. I expect you’ll see the difference when you’re kind and patient and loving. Can you imagine talking to anyone else like you speak to yourself? No! It wouldn’t be acceptable. So, why is it ok for you to talk to yourself like that? You don’t deserve it.
Say something positive to yourself every day. Get a post it note and write a nurturing and supportive message on it. Stick it on the fridge or in your purse or set one as your phone lock screen. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am enough as I am. I am safe. Or tell yourself you’re beautiful or handsome when you look in the mirror. Humour me, and give it a try. Be open to the shifts it creates in you.
Focus on appreciating and respecting what your body can do without judgement - open your palm. Close your fingers. Open them. Close them. Wow! You can pick anything up, you can throw a ball, you can give a hug. Now walk, run, skip, dance if you can…your body moves beautifully and it is AMAZING! You’ll kickstart those feel good hormones too, so it’s a win/win!
Write a list of all the things you’ve achieved, from your 5m swimming badge to that disco dancing championship at Butlins in 1981 ( just me there?!) Focus on your positive qualities, skills, and talents - you’re amazing! It might be hard at first, but once you’ve written all the wins that the world sees, move onto those that can be proud of. What you overcame, what you’ve been through, who you are. I hope you’ve got enough paper! And if this is hard, ask a friend to help. We’ve been brought up to be humble and that humility can be a blocker to appreciation of all we are, have done and continue to do.
Avoid comparisonitis - there is only one of you, and you are not only unique but you are so, so special. Recognise that. Forget everyone else. Forget what the media wants you to believe is ‘normal’ and ‘best’. Forget the standards that don’t sit well with you. Be unapologetically you. The world - and your family - needs you to be 100% authentic.
Treat yourself like you treat others. Care about your worries, don’t diminish them. Celebrate your brilliance, don’t gloss over it. Cheer yourself on and treat yourself well and this will, in time, prove to you that you deserve love and care. Loving yourself is exactly how it should be. You are wonderful and you are worthy.
If this feels like too much to cope with alone, please find a professional to support you. I have a brilliant therapist who has been integral in my journey of healing and loving myself. It’s an act of strength to get help, and yes, you do deserve it.

And if this all feels too hard, and starting to do this for yourself feels indulgent, please consider doing it for your child. I mentioned that your ability to love yourself is so important to your child as it impacts on them. Your child is watching what you do and how you care for yourself so they can see how to do that for themselves. You are laying down a blueprint for how they will value themselves, how they will care for themselves, and how they will accept themselves. So when you deny yourself the right to healthy food or to go for a walk or berate yourself for natural choices that you perceive as failings, they are watching, they are listening, they are learning. And equally, when you are compassionate to yourself, when you are kind and patient and curious and loving, they see that too.

If you can’t countenance starting to love and accept yourself for you just yet, maybe start small today- speak kindly to yourself, do something for you, congratulate yourself for something - and do it for them. Because by showing them you are worthy, you’ll be affirming to them that they are too.

As the Indian poet Kabir put it so beautifully: “The river that flows in you also flows in me.”

Let’s start to accept all we are, not all we perceive we’re not.

Own the swing of your hips, the boom of your laugh, the depth of your love.

Embrace the whole magnificent lot of you.

Love yourself just a little more today. Self love is the greatest love affair you’ll ever experience. You deserve it.

Navigating work when your child has poor mental health

Mon, 27 Nov 2023 15:29:51 GMT

How many hats do you wear? Parent, child, spouse, friend, employee, employer? Whatever roles you’re responsible for, when your child’s mental health declines, and you’re expected to work as if it hasn’t, it can add an additional layer of stress to an already challenging situation.

As well as the worries and fears about what’s happening for your child and how you might get them the support they need, you may feel you’re not as present, either physically or mentally, as you’ve been before or as much as your family/team/employer needs.

If you’re working outside of the home, this can lead to a myriad of fears - reduced income if you need to take unpaid leave, judgement and disappointment from your co-workers, and maybe even losing your job or your career path. If you’re self-employed, the pressures of ‘no work, no pay’ can also feel overwhelming, challenging your basic sense of safety.

When we feel that we’re not able to show up at work because we are consumed by what’s going on at home, this can have a deep impact on our sense of self-worth and confidence. It can damage our belief in ourselves and our agency, which in turn can impact how we’re able to be present and patient at home and work. The layers of stress that this experience brings on so many levels cannot be underestimated.

So, how can you ease the pressure on yourself? Well, here are three things you can try to help:

Understand the physiological impact - it’s not you, it’s your brain!

We’re all about reducing shame and guilt at Parenting Mental Health, so our first point has to be a reminder of your physiology. Parenting a child with poor mental health and the emotional load of supporting, advocating and often (sadly) fighting for help will have an impact on your brain, making your usual juggle of life, work and family harder than ever.

Your brain will begin to scan for threats the whole time and may start to take you straight to a negative conclusion in situations: things like not being included on an email thread you think you should have been, so your brain concludes it’s a sign you’re no longer wanted at work, or finding out some of the class parents went for a drink last Friday evening but you didn't get invited, so your brain concludes it's a sign you're not liked anymore. These examples reflect the simplistic - and often completely wrong - responses we come to when we’re under pressure, either when our child is in crisis or when we’re under prolonged stress and our brain is in survival mode.

Survival mode doesn’t leave space for creativity or collaboration, because our brain is focused on keeping us safe and alive. In a hyper-vigilant state, our patience and capacity to concentrate and perform are reduced, while self-judgement, overthinking and stress all increase. If we can begin to allow ourselves to be human and recognise our thoughts and reactions as a physiological response to the levels of stress we’re carrying, it can take some of the ‘personal’ out of it. We can then reduce the pressure on ourselves, recognise the things we need in this extraordinary time, and stop the downward spiral that this is a choice and it’s all our fault because it absolutely isn't!

Let’s get practical…

While employers are definitely starting to appreciate the impact of parenting on our ability to show up, we can’t yet expect universal rights to support. If you're feeling the pressure of balancing work and caring for your child, then you have some statutory rights, as set out by Parliament, but it's worth checking your employment contract for any contractual rights you have. These might include rights to time off for appointments for your child, and what paid and unpaid leave you can take. Your employer may also offer private healthcare, or adjustments to your working patterns to accommodate your caring needs, which don't always mean a change to working hours; it could be as simple as having your phone with you while you work or being able to take personal calls; allowing you to work from home consistently; having a quiet space or person to go if things become overwhelming; or changing a public facing role to an internal one.

If your mental health is impacted by your caring role, as it is for so many of us, you may be covered under the Equalities Act 2010. The Act says that you have a disability if you have a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial, adverse, and long-term effect on your ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities. This can protect you against constructive dismissal, and enable adjustments to your working pattern, the kind of work you do, and how you do it.

Communication is key

It’s easy to assume that our colleagues understand - or really don’t - what we’re going through. But unless we communicate what is going on - or the impact of it - we don’t allow others to understand or support us. There’s still (sadly and shockingly) stigma around poor mental health so it's natural to fear how people will respond but don't let it stop you from sharing your situation, as it could be stopping you from getting much-needed support.

If your employer has an HR person or department, make contact with them - and if not, speak to your boss - and if you can, try to do it before things get really tough. Consider what you want support with and be clear in your asks. Share only as much as you’re comfortable with but whatever you say, use clear language around what is happening and the impact it is having on your life and ability to perform your role.

You may decide to be broad and say your child is having some health issues, or you may share they have a mental health issue. It may help to use the curve from my book ( Never Let Go - How to Parent Your Child through Mental Illness ) to show where they are in their experience and express what this means for you:

you don’t know how long this will go on, but you would appreciate flexibility and understanding
there is a greater level of uncertainty in your family at present which means you need to work flexibly/from home/can’t be public facing etc.
you are committed to your role and the company but you want them to be aware that your own mental health may be impacted

No one goes through life with everything sorted, but with around 20% of children and young people having a probable mental disorder, it’s likely that someone in your organisation will also have a child or know a family going through similar experiences to you, so the more you can share that things are challenging, the more you may be able to share the load.

Final thoughts...

I have to finish with a plea, to take care of yourself and to make sure your needs are being met. We so often place ourselves firmly at the bottom of the list, don’t we? Being the ideal colleague, employee or boss can add another demand that needs to be met. But what if you prioritised becoming more resourced and better rested? How might that help you to find a place of flow and allow you to bob along a bit better, if not thrive?

Suzanne Alderson is the best-selling author of Never Let Go - How to Parent Your Child through Mental Illness, which can be purchased here .

It's time to give up on 'fixing' our children

Tue, 17 Oct 2023 17:53:12 GMT

Our founder Suzanne reflects on why sometimes, you have to stop fixing and start feeling.

Fixing. The preserve of the best of parents. From grazed knees to grades and everything in between, it’s what we do. It’s a key part of the job description. We make it all ok. We fix stuff. It shows we’re present, caring and in control…doesn’t it?

When your child’s mental health declines, the desire to fix grows in strength, often to the point of being overwhelmed. If you can just work out what you’re facing and where it came from and then wrestle it into a nice, neat box, you can stop your child’s pain, pretend it didn’t happen and get back on the path you expected.

Phew. Glad that’s all sorted.

Sadly, from my experiences parenting my daughter through depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide attempts, I know that this kind of simplicity simply doesn’t play out. There are some things we can’t fix, and I can see now with hindsight, that my multiple attempts at being the fixer, in the name of love, actually made things worse.

Not even a little bit positive. Or neutral. Worse.

My daughter felt invalidated, as if she were simply a problem to solve, and that I was overlooking her experience to make things right at any cost. I felt like a failure, for not fixing this horrific situation like a ‘good parent’ would. But before you head into the reverie that I found myself in; questioning your parenting credentials as a failing fixer, let’s pause for a moment and consider a little-known fact, often overlooked:

There are some experiences in life - and in parenting - that simply have to be felt, not fixed, however hard that is to go through or to watch.

When we see our child struggle with anything, we tend to feel compelled to fix it. It hits the huge red button within us that activates the emergency fixer mindset; the one that doesn’t want to see our child suffer, often as we did, or to face the challenges that we faced and don’t want them to have to endure.

Not only does it take over a significant chunk of our conscious thought, but it becomes a challenge, a cause, a cry that demands we focus all our efforts and energy on. It grades our performance in parenting and keeps us and our child stuck.

The more stressed and focussed on 'fixing' I became, the more distant my daughter was and the worse I felt - both about what she was feeling and my inability to help her. Not only was I making her feel worse, I was keeping myself stuck in a loop where the harder I tried, the worse everyone felt. I had inadvertently started a stress cycle that couldn’t be completed. Its only job was to perpetuate disconnection and disappointment and bring stress, distress and anxiety.

While everything I did came from a place of love, it was actually fuelled by fear:

Fear of why we got here and where we might be going.
Fear of my capability to cope.
Fear of the future (that hadn’t happened yet)
Fear of the present (that I wasn't really present in because I was consumed by the future that hadn’t happened yet!)

I saw my love and she felt my fear.

Something had to change. And it had to be me. I told myself, “You can’t fix this. It’s not your job.” It’s a harsh reality to face that you can’t fix this and make it all ok for your child. Because, even though they’re going through some challenging and painful situations, it’s their life, not yours. But I’m a parent, I hear you cry! If I can’t fix it, if it’s not my job, what is my job? What can I do? Well, the great news is lots!

3 things to consider when moving away from 'fix' it:

Feel the fear!

If, like me, your fear is the first thing your child feels, it will be hard for them to feel emotionally safe and open up to you, so taking care of your emotions is key. And it may be something you’re not used to; so many of us weren’t brought up in emotionally literate homes where feelings were allowed. This adversity is a chance for us to change that for our children.

The fixer mindset is borne from love, but driven by fear. So, when we try and fix, not only do we invalidate our child, but we place ourselves in a cycle that can only be completed when we get the finite outcome we demand. This activates a stress cycle within our body that can lead to excess anxiety and often (over)reaction rather than release we hope our fixing will do. We deserve to find ways to complete these cycles otherwise we end up in burnout - and believe me, vicarious trauma and caregiver burnout are real and take time and commitment to heal from.

The reality for so many of us is that we can’t escape from this experience completely unscathed, but we can minimise the impacts on us. If you can take care of your emotional needs - maybe through therapeutic support (you don’t need a diagnosis of anything to access counselling), making sure you can take time away from your child to be a person, not a parent, and building your emotional capacity through routines and rituals that build your window of tolerance and counter the trauma we face through the many layers of this experience - you are indirectly taking care of your child’s too. It’s not selfish to take care of you. It’s a gift for your whole family.

And even though we may not see the experiences that have to be felt, not fixed, as positive, they can add to our relationships and understanding of ourselves and our child. Ask yourself:

What might your desire to 'fix' be showing you?
How can you show love to yourself to build your capacity?
What are you fearful of?

Really listen

I’m not proud of it, but I recall spending more time in the early stages of Issy’s illness justifying my fear through my feelings, rather than listening to her and what she needed. I’ve apologised many times since, but I understand why I did it. The fear within was deep and dark and I was truly scared of what we faced. I felt alone and afraid and I wasn’t sure if I had it within me to help her through.

But listening - really listening - to her was one of the greatest gifts I could give her. It’s hard to hear someone’s pain, but it is an absolute privilege to bear witness to it. And over time, I got to know the signs and signals that allowed me to respond to her needs, not react to my fear. It gave her a safe space to express herself, to reduce the sense of shame we felt about what was going on, and a sense of being seen, heard and understood.

But this demands we have capacity. We may need to be heard in order to build our own listening skills. We might need to question where our fears come from so we can allow ourselves to hear what our child says. We might need to make choices that change the life we know. Ask yourself:

Are you listening to respond, or to understand?
What might you need to say?
What are you afraid to hear?
Have you ever been heard?

Be curious

Curiosity is a great alternative to judgment and fixing, as judging can fuel our fears - about our child, what’s right, what’s not, and what we should do.

When we’re curious, we can’t judge. It can give us the breathing space to not have to fix everything, right now. And in the space where we are open to something new, there may be an alternative we haven’t considered:

We can be curious, without fixing, and still be responsible, loving parents.
We can not know the very best course of action and still be responsible, loving parents.
We can not own our child’s experience and feelings, and still be responsible, loving parents.

Ask yourself:

Where is the compulsion to fix coming from? Love or fear?
What might happen if I don’t fix this?
What judgements are you making about yourself or about what is needed?
Are they true? Helpful?

Our Partnering not Parenting course explores these thoughts in more detail. You can access a free, bite-sized video version of the course here. Alternatively, the full course details are here . Suzanne is also the best-selling author of Never Let Go - How to Parent Your Child through Mental Illness, which can be purchased here .

Finding hope

Tue, 10 Oct 2023 10:46:34 GMT

On World Mental Health Day, read today's blog on hope or scroll to the end to listen.

I remember reading the poem “I dwell in possibility” by Emily Dickinson when I was 13. I couldn’t quite make my way around the metaphors then but somehow felt a connection with its meaning. Emily Dickinson wrote the poem about her life; how she came to a realisation that the only place for her to live was in the realms of possibility because material possessions and the metrics of life that we use as judgement on ourselves and our actions don’t and can’t bring us the kind of peace we seek. So dwelling in possibility became a way that I lived my whole life.

Now please, don’t stop reading! This isn’t going to be a piece about American poets of the 19th century. I wanted to share Emily’s perspective with you because I believe it’s a powerful reinforcement for the argument that hope can exist whatever we are facing. So, if you’re a parent struggling to make sense of what is going on in your family, read on…

Let me take you back to a day in November 2015.

It was an unseasonably warm day, with the most cobalt of blue skies and an out of place sense of spring. Yet, I was not optimistic. A week before, my daughter had attempted suicide and I was dwelling in doom. I felt no hope at all.

In fact, I’m not sure I felt anything. Empty and numb were more than I actually felt at that time. I was existing; floating through the moments trying so desperately hard to find some kind of truth or reason that I could hold onto.

With my daughter safe at home, I’d gone out for a walk and found myself alone in the middle of a field. As the thoughts raced and the emotions flooded me, I couldn’t stop myself from screaming out loud until my voice crackled and my throat hurt. Why us? Why now? What next? What did I do, not do, think I did, should have done? What was happening to us?

At that moment, there was no space for hope, or optimism, or possibility; all the things we’re told to hold onto in times of deep distress; all the things I’d held onto through past challenges. I had no capacity to hold onto hope and process what we faced and be on a code red alert for what might come next. The pain and demands of our current reality were too urgent for me to look beyond them.

By the time spring did finally come the following year, I’d spent many days and nights sitting with the grief, guilt and sheer hard work of keeping Issy alive, making sense of our new normal, and trying to maintain my optimism. And I didn’t always succeed. Each night, I’d go to bed thanking the day for allowing us to get through it, and hoping we’d be gifted a chance to get back on track with the life we’d left behind.

One day, I came upon Emily Dickinson’s poem for the first time in at least a decade. As the words appeared like old, familiar friends, they gently reminded me that I was hoping for something that wasn’t possible. While I was intent on trying to meet the measurements of life that were no longer relevant or possible, there was no hope of me or us dwelling in possibility. And if we weren’t open to what might be possible now, there was no hope of change or connection. We would continually disappoint ourselves.

Charles R. Snyder, PhD was a psychologist and pioneer of research into hope. He believed that hope has 3 parts to it:

Goals - what we want
Agency - our ability to make change happen
Pathways - the ways we get to our goals

When your child’s mental health means they can’t live the life they - or you - expected, the way we hold onto hope in the dark and difficult moments has to change. We can’t be all toxically positive because that denies our child’s reality and keeps us from our true feelings. We have to shift our perspective.

Before we can get to hope, or possibility, or even to a space where we aren’t consumed and all chewed up, we have to realign our goals.

My goals for Issy had been more assumptions than conscious choices.

I hadn’t really considered what she’d do in life but I naturally wanted her to be happy and fulfil her potential. Attempting suicide, being out of school for 2 years, our whole life changing… these definitely weren’t on the wish list. But if this is what we faced, how could I get used to this new normal? How could I let go of the desire to get back to the life we had had? You know, the one that made her unwell, the one where she felt unsafe, the one where I was unconsciously going through the motions? Do I really want to go back there?

It took quite some time for me to see that within the pain, the isolation, the distress, and the fear, there was an opportunity in this adversity. If I could realign my goals, I could dwell in possibility.

But the realignment of my goals meant letting go. Letting go of the life I expected and the uncertain future that I’d turned into an obvious outcome that would happen, confronting my grief for Issy and for me, and honouring all we’d lost.

Realigning my goals helped me to regain a sense of agency. I’d tell myself, “If all I need to do today is keep her alive and make dinner, I am #winning.” When my goals were smaller, simpler and less demanding on her, me and the future, I began to feel a burgeoning sense of empowerment over what came next. No, the goals weren’t most people’s ideas of #winning but they weren’t #livingourlife.

Along with the reduction of obligation and pressure on Issy and on me, I started to Step Down from my emotion, experience, judgement and authority - the first stage of Partnering not Parenting that changed the way I approached what we faced and helped me and Issy to get through. And we gained space. Not much at first, but enough for me to settle the fears and begin to gain a foothold on possibility. And over time, I started to see what we were gaining. Deeper connection, closeness and understanding and time and space to decide what we needed, not what was expected.

But what about pathways, Suzanne? Aren’t you going to give me a little blueprint to hope? Can’t you make it easy for me?
While I definitely wish I could, pathways are where we make our own unique sense of this experience and how we define, nurture and grow our hope. The pathways Dr Charles talked about are personal to us all.

And like an obstacle course, we have to overcome our expectations, our judgements, and our beliefs if we’re going to continue on this pathway. Battling systems and services that appear to do their damndest to challenge, befuddle and delay connection, support and change are serious blockers to hope. There will be days when it all feels futile, and days when change feels possible. These days come to us all on the journey to dwelling in possibility.

And I’m delighted to say that, unlike me, you don’t have to go on this journey alone. Parenting Mental Health is your village. Seek out success stories, wins, and aha moments. Connect with others who can lift you up when your screaming inside or out. It will be your turn to lift them soon. Believe in your child’s bright, brilliant future, even if the pathway isn’t clear and your sense agency is wobbly. Seek out hope from others while you grow your own. Even if you can’t see it, hope is out there in abundance.

Navigating university together

Thu, 17 Aug 2023 17:54:22 GMT

As we drove up the M6 on a bright sunny day in September 2019 to take our daughter to university, I felt a huge sense of achievement - and stomach churning anxiety. Just 4 short years before, Issy had become depressed and suicidal after a period of sustained bullying at school, leading to 2 years out of education and a whole wilderness of pain for her, and for us.

But here we were, against the odds, hurtling towards a fresh start with everything from the prerequisite coloured plates (so they don’t get appropriated) to a full body hot water bottle (possibly not so necessary) ready for an experience that I naively hoped would be like a young adult version of Mallory Towers. Connection, challenges, life changing growth.

But to consider the university experience for our child to be the deliverer of all the things they may have missed - friendships and relationships, opportunities to work or volunteer, a chance to become independent - can make more of it than is realistic, to them and to us. Removing the expectations of it can be more helpful than we think.

University really isn’t like college or school so if your child’s mental health has been poor or challenged their ability to greet the world in positive or purposeful ways, you can naturally worry that they’ll be isolated away from home; they won’t have the support they do from you and others; that this might not be the great adventure we’re all told it is.

So how can we approach this in a way that supports them and helps us to come to terms with the enormous challenges your child may have overcome to get there or the very real, very natural fears we hold for them?

Do it their way

I said to my daughter from the earliest hints that university might be something she would consider that we would do it her way. Live there, commute, or a hybrid mix of home and halls, however she needed to find a place of safety (literally and metaphorically) we would support it. Take a year out. Do a different course. We were curious about what worked for her. After all, she was the customer - she was paying for it.

There is no one size fits all for university. It’s less structured and there’s less oversight and this can give you flexibility to find ways to help your child succeed. I’ve had friends whose children have commuted to university (on the two days they have lectures - for £9250 a year - don’t get me started on the fees!) Issy lived on campus and then in houses with friends. She also came home when she needed time and space and logged in online. I went and visited her most weeks, because it gave her the comfort of consistent connection with the benefit of her having her own space.

Challenging our thoughts as parents on what is ‘the right thing to do’ based on the common sense and asking ‘what is the right thing for our child in these circumstances and at this time?’ can be really helpful. And it may go against the norm and we need to be ok with that. Of course we want the very best experience for them, but maybe our ‘best experience’ isn’t theirs? Ask them what they want. They may not know, but showing your openness to find a way that works best for them feels really supportive and if they do want a break or a course change, it will make that much easier for them.

Communicate

Communication is the key to connection and if your child is away from home, it can be hard to maintain the closeness you’ve built up over years. You may think that your child doesn’t want to hear from you - and depending on your relationship, maybe some space to settle is the right thing. But maintaining the sense that they haven’t suddenly and miraculously stepped into adulthood, and should now have all the answers simply by going to university, can help bring you closer and ease your child into uni life and the challenges they will inevitable face without extra pressure. If we allow our child to share how they’re struggling with the uni systems, or that they haven’t managed to use the cookbook you sent so have been ordering in, or they feel deeply anxious about going to a lecture because they don’t know anyone and everyone seems to know each other - without fixing it or expecting them to - we can empower them to make mistakes, which is how we learn, and find solutions that suit them.

Another challenge can be that the university won’t speak to you about your child without their consent. And if they’re away and feeling that they should be able to deal with what’s going on (remember the unspoken pressure they may feel to now ‘adult’ as they’re at uni) it can be hard to get them to agree after the fact, especially if they’re really struggling as they may feel they’re letting you down, which, of course, they’re not.

Find out how the university deals with parents and sharing of information and have a conversation before they leave. Your child has a right to privacy, but if you are concerned about their ability to problem solve - for example, asking for an extension for work - suggesting it before they go may take some of the pressure off. And while they’ll get a university email address that you won’t have access to, ask your child if it would help them to set up a new shared account so you can help them with forms, prescriptions, tenancy agreements, etc.

And our best communication isn’t always verbal - send them a card or a little parcel - chocolate was always a welcome treat. Maybe consider taking your child and a friend out for coffee or a meal once a term so you see them and see them in their own environment and hold the questions and allow them to share. Agree an emoji that says ‘I’m struggling' without explicitly saying it. Agree an emoji that says I’m good but I’m busy. If you can remain indirectly connected, via non-questioning texts or by sending a card or asking other family and friends to keep in touch - you’ll allow your child to determine the cadence of their communication with you, while maintaining the connection. And that gives them the space to find their voice and understand where your relationship goes next. It is a time of change and that’s ok. It can be a bit of a dance as they settle into the newness, but your consistent, non-judgemental presence will help.

Get support in place

There is growing support now at universities for mental health and it’s a good idea to find out what is on offer, before it might be needed. Search Student Wellbeing and the university name and you should see what’s on offer. What we found was that it was low level support that helped in certain circumstances but we also needed to have our own plans of action when things cropped up.

Ensure the university is aware of your child’s mental health - with their consent. Whether they have a diagnosis or not, it’s important to share with the university. Your child won’t be treated differently, but they should be more supported because of it.

If your child is moving away, look into the GP service either on campus or suggested by the university and as soon as the place and accommodation is confirmed, look into registering. It can take some time, and we found that when September came, and Freshers Flu did the rounds, it was several weeks’ wait to get on the list. There are several really helpful services to share with your child. Maybe pop them on a postcard and pop them on the pinboard when you move them in or text them the details. The links for Nightline, the Samaritans, Kooth and TheMix are at the end of this article.

I’d encourage you to consider DSA - Disability Support Allowance - if you’re in the UK. Any mental health condition that has lasted, or is likely to last, 12 months or more is covered along with long term illnesses or other disabilities. Don’t think that poor mental health isn’t covered - under the Equalities Act 2010, it is a disability, and as such, there is support out there to help your child. DSA doesn’t need to be paid back and can pay for specialist equipment, for example a computer if you need one because of your disability, non medical helpers, travel and other support to help you study. There’s a link about it in the Resources below.

And finally, you.

As your child sets out on this new stage, so do you. And that can be scary. It can be really emotionally challenging and you can feel adrift in all the positivity surrounding this.

So, allow yourself to feel - apprehensive, happy, proud, worried, unsure. This is a whole new phase for both of you - and allowing whatever comes up is more helpful than trying to ignore or deny the natural emotions when change happens. It’s ok to miss them and it’s ok to not. Things are changing and change can be hard, but it can also be exciting.

Whatever you’re feeling at the moment, you’re not alone. Parenting Mental Health is here to help, to listen and to support. Our community especially for these transitional times - PMH New Beginnings - is ready to welcome you. It’s a safe space to share your concerns, explore your thoughts and be sad, be happy, be proud, and all the emotions in between.

This isn’t the end of what you know. It’s the start of what can be. Here’s to new beginnings. For our child, and for us too.

SOME USEFUL RESOURCES

LINKS TO GOVERNMENT INFO

11 million adults are anxious about their body

Tue, 25 Jul 2023 09:53:06 GMT

If you’re one of the 11million+ adults in the UK alone whose body image has made them anxious, I see you. I hear you. I am you.

I vividly recall getting changed after swimming at school aged about 10 and realising that I was about 2 feet taller than everyone else and that I had the beginnings of breasts. As I dried myself, someone pointed at these mounds of flesh and everyone stopped and looked at me as if I’d grown another head before their eyes. And as I looked around at the picture perfect girls before me - small, perfectly formed, and nowhere near puberty - I thought how strange I must be to be different. Not good different then, but sad, bad, differently different. I think that was the day I consciously stopped innately, naturally, loving myself.

By rights, I should have been delighted about the burgeoning boobage. My first memory is running down the stairs on my 5th birthday crying to my Mum that they hadn’t come! I thought breasts grew overnight when you were 4 years and 364 days old.

These early memories set the scene for me to feel somewhat out of sorts with my body. Always bigger than everyone else, I have fought my beautiful body for decades. If anyone else had size 8 feet in the 1980s, I am sorry for the pathetically small range of Clarks school shoes you also had to choose from. Thankfully times have changed.

The fight I have with my body hasn’t developed as rapidly though. It has taken me decades to come to terms with my body: this amazing vessel that has borne 2 beautiful, perfect human beings, that hasn’t ever broken a bone, that survived physical traumas, that continues to function, regenerate, and breathe without my overactive mind telling it to do so. And it’s a work in constant progress and flux.

But self love isn’t about weight.

It’s about acceptance of who you are, from every mole to every molar. My daughter shared with me recently that I’d given her body confidence and shown her how to love herself, ( insert my “really?!” face!) plus what she got from me and how she wanted to be more like me. ( insert my “really?! through sobs” face!)

She told me something I hope will help you if you’re in a constant struggle with your body.

She said that I’m a role model for her because of who I am, not what I look like, and because I care so much, all she sees is love in me.

It reminded me of the Roald Dahl quote:

“If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

Aside from her wisdom, what has helped to accelerate the peace I am feeling with my body is to see that this is a complex situation. Like losing weight or gaining it, there are no quick fixes to feeling good about being ourselves. It’s a daily practice, like Gratitude or brushing our teeth. We have to normalise feeling good in the vessel we live in. And if you’re a survivor of any form of trauma, that can be doubly hard. Stored trauma sits in our bodies so we deserve even more to accept this body that has endured so much and keeps showing up, moving, working and offering us a chance to be here in the world. When we suffer from chronic stress, such as we do supporting our child through poor mental health, our body changes as it battles the rush of cortisol and adrenaline. Coming to terms with our body over time is a continuum. It’s not something that dropping a few kg ‘fixes’. In fact, it’s nothing to do with how our body changes.

It’s about acceptance of all we are now, as we are. We deserve to love ourselves and delaying it while we strive for different won’t make it happen.

Our body image is complex and made up of 4 points of view ( so no wonder we can’t simply ‘fix’ it!)

Perceptual body image: how we see our bodies

Affective body image: how we feel about our bodies

Cognitive body image: how we think about our bodies

Behavioural body image: the way we behave as a result of our perceptual, affective, and cognitive body image

When you have a positive body image, you can accept, appreciate, respect, and love your body.

It doesn't mean you’ll think you’ve got the perfect bod or avoid feeling any insecurities, but you will be able to acknowledge any insecurities for what they are and believe that your body is perfect for you. Your amazing body doesn’t care if you don’t suit skinny jeans or what number clothes you wear ( based on a range of arbitrary and outdated measurements that change from shop to shop.) Your body just wants to carry you along this through thing called life.

Body image is complex and so very personal, but here are some simple ways you can start to change how you see yourself or help your child to change how they see themselves:

Focus on your positive qualities, skills, and talents - you’re amazing! Make a list of the things you can do - and that includes the things you think everyone can do (when they really can’t!)
Avoid negative self-talk - talk to yourself like you would your child or your best friend. Just for a day. See the difference
Say something positive to yourself every day - get a post it note and write a positive message on it. Stick it on the fridge or the front door or leave it in your purse. It works! I am strong. I am beautiful. I am enough as I am
Or tell yourself you’re beautiful or handsome when you look in the mirror. Humour me, and give it a try. Be curious about what shifts it produces in you
Focus on appreciating and respecting what your body can do - open your palm. Close your fingers. Open them. Close them. Wow! You can pick anything up, you can throw a ball, you can give a hug. Now walk, run, skip, dance if you can…your body moves beautifully whether it’s a little heavier than you’d like or svelte and slim, and either way it is AMAZING!
Set positive, health-focused rather than weight focused goals - try to focus on being strong and healthy. Try and nurture yourself with good things. Treat your body as kindly as you would your best friend. Hydrate it, feed it, rest it - for no other reason than it feels good
Avoid comparison-itis - there is only one of you, and you are not only unique but you are incredibly special. Recognise that. Forget everyone else. Forget what social media wants you to believe is ‘normal’ and ‘best’. Be unapologetically you. One day you will look back on every day spent wishing you were different as time you missed seeing your brilliance. You won’t get it back, so let’s stop that right here! And by recognising this disconnect, and trying to consciously love ourselves just a little more every day, we can begin to make peace with our bodies.

Today, for me, for you, for your child, look in the mirror and find something you love about yourself.

It might be slender ankles, beautiful hands, or a particularly expressive elbow. It doesn’t matter if it’s a small patch of soft skin, love and appreciate it like you’ve never loved and appreciated anything in your life before. And if you’ve ever been on one of those sales course where you have to sell a pen to a stranger who runs a stationery shop, use these skills to sell the beauty and benefits of that part of your body to yourself!

Those beautiful hands connect you to your family, they enable you to type online and connect with other people, and they make a great rest for your face when things get tough!

Recognise what you're brilliant at and recognise your uniqueness is where your beauty lies. See the non-physical goodness in your child too. Compliment them on their kindness, their ability to listen or to make you laugh. They need you to see the beauty you see in them in yourself. Modelling body positivity is needed now more than ever: according to the Mental Health Foundation, more than half of young people worry about how they look. And all we see is beauty.

So, let’s start to accept all we are, not all we perceive we’re not. It won’t be an overnight thing, but if we all commit to trying to love ourselves unreservedly, imagine what a revolution we can start in ourselves and then in our children.

I’m in. How about you?

The power to change social media

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 16:18:50 GMT

Parenting Mental Health is a charity that exists to improve the experience of parenting a child through poor mental health, so, we’re used to distress. We see a lot of it: from anxiety and depression, to eating disorders, self-harm, and far, far too many suicide attempts. And we see much of it through our amazing digital communities: safe, well moderated, judgement free spaces where over 40,000 parents convene daily to share their experiences and gain support and a sense of not being alone. We’re deeply proud of our caring and supportive corner of the internet.

But we’re seeing parents becoming more and more concerned about the impacts on their children of extreme content accessed via social media. Much of this content would make us adults squirm, look away or take to the streets in outrageous protest if it played out on any other medium than social.

So, when we were invited to join the Dove campaign on making social media safer for our children, we knew immediately that we wanted to support it. We see the daily impacts of disconnection brought about through inappropriate content online and believe that the voices and experience of the parents we support deserve to be recognised and heard by those with the power to change social media. We see the impact unrealistic representations has on young people, and while we also see the power of social media for positive wellbeing and connection, we wholeheartedly support Dove’s campaign to challenge the accessibility to and presence of toxic content that feeds into young people’s growing brains at such a key point in their development.

Without a clear and consistent schedule of whether our child will see something delightful or damaging when they go on social media, it can feel as if they are rolling the dice. What will they see this time? What might a simple ‘like’ take them to next time? With algorithms that exist and evolve to make the act of searching and staying online more enticing and exciting than ever before, the uncertain and unpredictable nature of the content that is being served up serves only advertisers and technology companies, not our children.

The inputs into this generation are vast and vastly different to when we grew up: people, perspectives, ideas, and ideals that we may understand as parents aren’t real or realistic, but our child may not see it that way. Seeing unrealistic and often unreal representations can damage self-esteem and confidence. We are layering adult expectations of discernment and debate on young brains that aren’t fully grown. We are asking them to be the responsible ones, rather than battle billion-dollar companies who seek to keep them coming back for more and using confirmation bias against them to lock them into cycles of scrolling, often through damaging and unhelpful content. We know that adolescence is a time for exploration and our children should be able to do that without harm. Sadly, algorithms are on the way to normalising it. Our children deserve better.

And when we talk about children, we must remember that this isn’t an amorphous, faceless group - each child, like Mary in the Dove advertisement, has a history, a life, and a future. Each individual has a right to be safe and to be able to use and benefit from social media without being taken to dark corners and darker content. As the writer Stewart Brand once said, technology is 49% bad and 51% good. Social media platforms connect us brilliantly, especially in times of need, but we need to stand up against the ways that they divide us and our children from safety, from what is helpful, and what is good for us.

Look to the data about social media use and its impacts, and you can discern both sides of this complex debate on causality and correlation. But when a child is taught how to harm themselves, made to believe that they are wrong or un-loveable, or encouraged to suicide, we all need to stand up and say, no more. While we wait for academic research to catch up, Parenting Mental Health is proud to support parents just like Mary’s mother through these extraordinary experiences and to add our voice and support to the Dove campaign to protect young people’s mental health and make social media safe by design.

What do I need?

Thu, 04 May 2023 10:19:14 GMT

I have started to ask myself a question every day:

“What do I need?”

When was the last time you asked yourself that question? And when was the last time you allowed yourself to listen to the answer?

At first, my answers were outlandish and unrealistic: 3 weeks on a Maldavian island, preferably with Pierce Brosnan. A winning lottery ticket. To be a size 12 ( that brought me to my senses!) I enjoyed dreaming of these. It was pure escape as I struggled to connect with what I really needed. We tend to go to the things that we think will make us happy, that we’ve been told will fill that hole within. But actually, do they?

Well, for the purposes of research, I am happy to go to the Maldives with Pierce Brosnan and report back. You’re welcome!

But of course, what we seek isn’t found in fast fixes. It’s found in the conscious presence of noticing what we feel and allowing whatever that is to be.

With time and patience, the answers I heard began to change.

I needed stability, connection, compassion.
I needed space, permission, time.
I needed acceptance and forgiveness and hope.

As the days and weeks passed, the answers became more meaningful, more personal to me, and more helpful as I began to consider change.

Some days, I needed permission to go to bed at 7.30pm. And I’ve given it to myself.

Some days, I needed to allow myself to set down by anxieties and immerse myself in Nigella’s luscious life and language by watching the whole of her series in 2 sittings. ‘I call anything I cut a coin’. ‘Quackling’ for the crispy duck skin was genius! And don’t get me started on meecrowahvay! What joy those words brought. I giggled to myself as I cut a coin of bread, and felt a sense of connection to a world outside of my own.

Other days, I needed to take myself off to bed during the day with my headphones and Matthew McConaghey telling me a Calm sleep story of Wonder. No judgement. Just tapping into a pure and necessary need.

Each time I leaned into the question of what I, Suzanne Alderson, needed, I found a little more self acceptance, self compassion and self knowledge. And that felt strange. And then it felt good.

I understand that when life is hard, our go to is to double down on efforts for everyone else’s benefit. Fix the world and then we’ll have time for us. Worrying more can make us feel that we’re doing the right thing by our families. But actually, by meeting our own needs - sometimes merely by acknowledging them and our right to them - we can be better parents, people and selves. We can be more present, more connected, more alive.

Today, I’d love you to ask yourself the simplest question: “What do I need?”

And to listen to what comes up. It might be straightforward - to get the washing done so you can relax a little this afternoon. Or it might be a clue to a deeper need within you.

I found that by asking myself the question over 30 days, I learned a lot about what I need and who I am. I’ve realised that I’d lost sight of some of the activities that had brought me enormous satisfaction and helped to keep my mental health in good order. Daily writing, morning walks, permission to let things go without having to make it all right - these are my meditations, my self care.

What are yours?

What do you need for your heart and soul to be fuller, especially when you’re weary and worn down?
How can you listen to your needs - even if you can’t necessarily act upon them all today?

I see weariness, disconnection, and uncertainty in so many of us and I truly believe that the brave act of asking this simple yet deeply curious question is key to reconnecting and recharging ourselves. And if we are courageous enough to hear what it is we need, maybe we can be outrageous enough to begin to meet our needs, as well as those of our families. It’s not a magic wand - if only we had one of those - but it can help us to see that our needs are valid.

You deserve the love and care and consideration that you give to everyone else.

And maybe a fortnight in the Maldives too! You really do.

Parenting a Neurodivergent Child - Parent perspective

Thu, 30 Mar 2023 11:24:05 GMT

DEBORAH WORTMAN

I am a parent of 2 adult children who had an autism and ADHD diagnosis when they were 17 and 15. I am also a specialist psychotherapist working with parents who also have neurodivergent children. The thing that binds us all together is the love and dedication to helping them and our own powerlessness to change a world that doesn’t appreciate or understand neurodiversity and our wonderful children.

Over the years I have often felt exhausted and craved the need for some time on my own, just a break from having to be a ‘Super Parent’ all the time.

I wondered whether other parents felt the same or whether I was just being selfish. However, when I started to work with parents some years later, I realised that we forget we have needs and bypass ourselves to be there for our children.

This led me to develop a set of ‘Parenting Permissions’ which I've shared here in the hopes of helping others who are experiencing the same.

I am important - I have this as a little mantra because when there are so demands on us, we can become invisible. Make time for you - Take some time during the day to be alone and quiet, ideally to do something that’s for you and soothing (even if it's 10-15 minutes)
Put down the books on how to parent a neurodivergent child - The books are great, but they can completely absorb us with strategies some of which work, and some don’t. They can often reinforce our feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
Try and do something fun - As parents we forget that we have a ‘child’ part that needs attention and is wanting to do something that is fun. Indulge that part of you.
Meet up with Friends - Friends who you can chat to about a range of things, but not necessarily about being a parent. Friends are our lifeline to the outside world, often as parents of a neurodivergent child, we become isolated and distanced from the world particularly if your child doesn’t like going out.
Have the courage to say NO - Say no to taking on additional responsibilities, ' that group you think you could s upport because you have the knowledge and skills'. They will survive without you !
Take a break from the fight - As parents of neurodivergent children, we are always fighting for something, whether that be with Schools, CAMHS or other services. We are o ften exhausted, angry, and demoralised. We can’t change everything so choose your battles and recognise when your energy levels are low or you’re spinning too many plates. Step back for a while, reenergise and then decide what are the priorities

IF WE DON'T LOOK AFTER OURSELVES

WE CANNOT
PROVIDE OUR CHILDREN
WITH WHAT

THEY NEED...

Recognise your skills and limitations as a parent - We cannot be good at all aspects of parenting, there are no templates on how to do this. Allow your intuition to guide and acknowledge the things that challenge you. There is no shame in saying when we feel something is too much. At that point we might need to seek advice and guidance from other s, the PMH community are always there to offer suggestions. Throw away the feelings of shame and guilt of not being the perfect parent, you are ‘Good enough’.
Praise Yourself - We all need ‘Warm Fuzzies’ so when acknowledgement from those around us, is not forthcoming, recognise the things that you have done that you are pleased about - that meltdown you managed, getting your child to school - it all counts .
Every day is a new day - Start each day with a blank slate, whatever happened yesterday is in the past, don’t dwell on the negatives, but stay focussed in the moment, the hour. the day.

If we don’t look after ourselves then we cannot provide our children with what they need. We make ourselves more susceptible to mental and physical health issues.

I recognise many people reading this will be saying “I don’t have time for me, I’m not important.” Whatever bit of time we can grab is better than nothing. I am great lover of musicals, but I realised a long time ago despite trying and ending up exhausted I am not nor do I want to be Mary Poppins, “Practically Perfect in Every Way.”

Counteracting Crazy Busy

Thu, 16 Mar 2023 17:13:30 GMT

“When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another-and ourselves.” Jack Kornfield

Busyness. Something I am so familiar with. I’ve been known to multitask like a whirring dervish with multiple hands and a false belief that there are more than 24 hours in the day. You too? Read on…

Busyness can often start when we become a parent, and the juggle struggle begins. As we make up bottles, stir the dinner, check on the baby, fold up washing, worry about a work problem or consider the child care conundrum, how to get back in our jeans, have a meaningful connection with our partner, wonder if the stretch marks will ever fade, and find a moment to get those baby edutainment books out to improve our child’s chances of being a rockstar or a CEO all at once while painting our living room the latest shade of ‘elephant breath’, we can get a strange sense that in the new landscape of parenthood we can only cope when we do it all and we do it NOW.

When our child’s mental health declines - for many of us in their mid teens - we’re already juggling jobs and chores and aging families and physical changes, relationship challenges and isolation plus a hope that we’ll one day have enough time to read a book without guilt or find our inner zen in a sweaty yoga studio. So add in the uncertainty of this experience, and connection, trust and compassion can become tasks on the check list of life, rather than the tools we use to listen, understand and support our child through this extraordinary time.

Busyness takes us away from the child we are doing all this for and who we love and hold such hope for. It is a fast track away from our true, happy, connected self and those we care about. Yes, the tasks might get done but they take us further away from the people who matter, and the things that make us happy They bring us closer to being an automaton, ticking boxes and measuring our worth by the crossings out on our to do list. Busyness takes away our softness. It makes every interaction a finite task, leaving no room for connection, curiosity or possibility. Busyness is a sign that we are not in balance and neither is our focus; and it can lead us to overlook the important things and head direct to burnout.

We can get overbusy for a number of reasons.

Maybe we use it as a way to escape our own thoughts, feelings about ourselves, or situations in our life? Maybe it masks a lack of connection or loneliness? Maybe it’s a response to past trauma where our value equates to our output, or whatever we did it was never enough? Maybe we think it’s (ironically) an antidote to stress? If we’re on top of everything, then the stress will go away. But sadly, it doesn't tend to work like that. As soon as the to do list is done, someone scribbles another obligation on it. Cheers!

Maybe it’s a status symbol? Have you ever heard someone say they’re ‘super busy’ with a wry smile and sense of satisfaction? I’ve definitely used busyness as a measure of my worth.

Our preoccupation with productivity means that many of us don’t see ourselves worthy of rest, or as rest as worthy of reward.

Maybe it’s a pattern you didn’t realise you’d fallen into until you find yourself watching a webinar at midnight, while writing birthday cards, and planning the week’s meals? You should be asleep or resting, but you’re on a treadmill of to dos as a way to manage keeping the sense of normality going and there never seems to be enough time. And when you finally get to bed, the whirring of your mind fights sleep and you wake just as exhausted.

Why is that? Are busy people just bad schedulers? Over achievers? Or is it something deeper?

We can often find it hard to say no, (hello people pleasers - we’ll be tackling this in another blog!) but busyness tends to be a mask for a range of other reasons. We can see being busy as who we are, as our purpose, our measurement of worth to a world that judges us on what we do or don’t do. It can be because we have watched our parents grind away and in order to match the pattern, we do the same. We can use it as a guard against parts of ourselves or our lives that we don’t want to admit to or confront. We can believe that busy is good because that was the way we got validation as a child or how our parents showed ‘success’.

What might you be using busyness to run from?

Does it equal purpose to you?
Is it a learned behaviour?
What impact is it having?
What happens if you set it down?
What would fill the void that busyness occupies?
Are you still enough if you don’t do stuff? If you - shock horror - slow down?

“BEWARE THE BARRENNESS OF A BUSY LIFE” - Socrates

Busyness can often lead to isolation from those around us as we spend our lives living in our heads and scheduling interaction with our loved ones. We can lose the sense of possibility that going with the flow, having time for ourselves, or being spontaneous brings. When our child’s mental health changes the vectors of our lives, it’s easy to create calm and certainty from busyness. And as we generate this artificial certainty, we have to work hard to maintain the sense that everything is ok, manageable, doable. We become less connected with people we care about and more connected with the tasks ahead. Routine becomes our religion, and if we can’t pray at its alter, we can find ourselves set adrift emotionally. It’s not healthy for our relationships with others or ourselves. We lose sight of who we intrinsically are, without a to do list, without progress, without change.

Brené Brown writes about numbing behaviours that we use as armour against vulnerability in her book, Daring Greatly. If you think numbing doesn’t apply to you because you don’t have a addiction recognised as problematic by society, think again. Brené writes “One of the most universal numbing strategies is what I call crazy-busy. I often say that when they start having 12-step meetings for busy-aholics, they’ll need to rent out football stadiums. We are a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.” But it will. It catches up with us all at some point.

So how can we counter the lure of Crazy-Busy and climb down from the tower of ‘always on’?

Be brave , get quiet and ask why - what is about being busy that satisfies or secures you? It’s ok to hear whatever answer comes up. It’s between you and you! And note that these conversations take time to warm up. Your subconscious wants to keep you safe, so it may be in the quiet of the night that you hear the timid voice that tells you why or where to look for clues. You might tell yourself some stories before you are ready to hear what’s really going on. But it’s the start of a journey of self knowledge that will go on for the rest of your life if you let it.

Decide what is important - not everything will get done, and that’s ok. Making choices over what gets done and what doesn’t is in your gift. What’s more important? The dishes or a chat with your child? (I’ll take the chat any day, but maybe you could talk over the sink?) Allow yourself to choose what gets done and what is sacred to you. Ask - will this matter in a week, month, year, decade? Generally the answer is no, so you are left to determine whether this is a choice you want to make and if you have the energy to do it.

Meditate - if busyness is a way to escape your thoughts, then I can highly recommend meditation as something to bring you to this moment right here, right now. Yes, this one, reading this, with me, not the moment where you’re battling the growing anger that school hasn’t replied to your email again, while trying to work out where you left the library book you think should have been returned a month ago, and answer a text from your friend who hasn’t got a clue what you’re going through and you haven’t got the energy to explain. Oh and I did I mention cleaning the fridge out and planning your retirement with an extra adult to take care of? See what I mean? At any one point, you’ll be juggling a to do list of past, present and future obligations leaving you where? In the ether somewhere? Not present in your body, and certainly not present in your thoughts, interactions with others or in this moment. Finding a way to be present in this moment will calm your nervous system over time. Focussing on your breathing can bring you to the present moment - sit quietly, breathe in deeply and exhale loudly; ask yourself the simplest of questions - what do I need now? What is stopping me from getting what I need? How can I take steps today towards peace? And allow yourself to let the thoughts come, until there are no more. It might take 15 minutes or 3 hours. But keep breathing, keep calm. There is gold in self reflection, but if you’re traumatised, it might actually be hard to focus on your breath. An alternative is to doodle. Allow yourself to draw whatever shapes, images, or words come up for you. No judgement on your artistic prowess please, just a moment to connect into your creativity and allow your brain to stop whirring. When we are creative, our prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that problem solves, reasons, and controls impulse and perseverance, goes offline, allowing us to stop being so critical of ourselves and encouraging just ‘being’. Or maybe look out of the window and let the thoughts float through your head - you might start thinking about a pressing issue and then find yourself mesmerised by a bird on a branch or the whoosh of the traffic. Either way, finding a present place of peace for yourself is a gift you can give yourself each day. And yes, you are worth it.

Stop multitasking - do one thing at a time. It’s allowed! You are allowed to be intentional and in flow, the state defined by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi as one where we tune into the activity we’re doing and immerse ourselves completely. Not only does stopping multitasking mean we’ll likely do the job better, it means we’ll slow our racing brain down, reduce our stress levels, and train ourselves to be in the moment. When we are in flow, our prefrontal cortex is quiet and our body begins to flood us with pleasure inducing endorphins, including serotonin, and dopamine. What multitasking does is keep us forever in a future moment, looking ahead to a conveyor belt of obligations. We are in constant fight/flight - until end up in freeze mode, burned out, and overwhelmed. So Stop. Pause. Do one thing. It’s a simple approach that will slow you down physically, and over time, will slow your stress responses too.

Be realistic - we all have 168 hours in a week. We can’t magic more time, so let’s get honest. Make a list and chop it in half. And half again. Give yourself 1, 2 or at most 3 priority tasks in a day and schedule in time for yourself too. Work how you work best and stick to that - check out the Pomodoro technique, or google Getting Things Done. Think about when you have the most energy and when you don’t. There are lots of productivity hacks, and if you’re not worried about missing deadlines or chores, you might have the space to allow yourself to succeed and to delight in the things you have done, not the ones you haven’t. And outsource and delegate - give away your tasks where you can, and also your worries. Share them with the Parenting Mental Health community, tell a friend, scream in a field (just me, then?!) If you can remove some of the noise in your head, you might find that actually your busyness is slowing you down, and keeping you from what’s really important.

Own your spoons - Sp oon Theory is an approach devised by Christine Miserandino to explain her chronic illness. Sitting in a cafe trying to explain to a friend how her ability to do tasks is limited, she gathered up a number of spoons to represent her energy. She explained that the factors of our lives - how we’re sleeping, stress, pain, demands, isolation, poverty - determine the measurements of energy - it’s not all equal. As she talked her friend through her day, she took spoons away from her. By the end of the day, there were no spoons to do things. She’d used all her energy up. Recognising the amount of spoons you have can help give you permission to say no too. How many spoons do you have? It will change day to day, depending on what is going on in your life, how you’ve slept, your stress levels, what’s going on - and it’s absolutely not a judgement on you. It’s just a measurement of what you can do based on the factors outside of your control. Own your spoons, my friend. The sooner you do, the more you’ll have.

Self care and compassion - when I talk about self care, I don’t mean avocados and bubble baths. Unless they’re your thing! I mean meeting your needs. I mean listening to your body and treating yourself like a child - early to bed, healthy food, nurture and soothing. I mean taking care of you, connecting to things you love, challenging the thoughts about worth and productivity. Schedule time for you in, make time for yourself, allow yourself to get comfortable with doing less of the things that don't directly nurture you. It’s good for you and it’s also good for your family. Be the blueprint.

If busyness has become a way of life for you, why not come and join our PMH Wellbeing group where the space is all about you. Learn how to take care of yourself so you can take care of your child. You’ll be so welcome.

And now, I’m off for a nap!

How Lucky. A mum's real experience

Wed, 01 Mar 2023 12:05:43 GMT

TRIGGER WARNING | TALK OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE

We see so many amazing posts in the Parenting Mental Health Community, but sometimes one stops us in our tracks, for its raw honesty and articulation of what it can feel like for a parent of a child with poor mental health. This is a read for everyone, particularly friends and family, to build understanding of what this journey can be like. We were given permission to repost this anonymously.

“How lucky that you can stay at home, do nothing so you can from time to time cuddle your daughter, when she is a bit worried” said my friend.

How lucky…

We had contr actors in on Monday and Tuesday drilling walls, so my daughter had multiple panic attacks. I sat with her on a floor desperately guiding her breathing.

How lucky…

She couldn't stay long at school, so I had to drop everything and pick her.

How lucky…

Wednesday was better, we laughed together, and she managed to stay at school and even went for after school maths tuition, giving me a glimmer of hope.

How lucky…

She was tired on Wednesday afternoon, and I spent evening trying to get her to eat just a little.

How lucky…

We woke up on Thursday to the message that her safe person is off sick, so I had to hold her in a huge panic attack for over an hour, promising that I won't send her to school.

How lucky…

In the afternoon, she spiralled and lied down in a pitch-black room. She even sleeps with a light, so my heart was thumping when I frantically double checked if all sharp objects are hidden.

How lucky…

I lied with her in the darkness, listening to her whisper: I am not worthy of living, I can't do it anymore- until she asked me to leave, because being with me made her feel even more guilty. I sobbed on the other side of her doors, praying hard she will get better.

How lucky…

I exchanged many emails trying to arrange someone at school for Friday, after getting another message that her safe person is still off sick.

How lucky…

I took her for an hour to school after lots and lots of reassuring and only because contractors came back. I sat for an hour in the office, just in case, waiting.

How lucky…

I called her CAMHS worker and begged her to talk to my daughter. She did and I get a call back telling me what I should do in case of emergency, because my child is suicidal and may not keep herself safe.

How lucky…

I had to call my daughter's dad begging him to be nice and gentle when he will come home on Saturday.

How lucky…

I had to cancel my night shift, because I was scared to leave her overnight

How lucky…

I sat awake most of the night, I checked her in her sleep often. I cried, I prayed, I fought my own demons.

How lucky…

My partner came on Saturday, and for a change was nice, joking and she clung to his love with hope. I get to leave a house for a long walk

“How lucky” said my friend “that you get to do nothing all week. I just don't get, why are you always tired? You are so lucky...”

Hands up if you’re a worrier

Fri, 24 Feb 2023 11:29:42 GMT

Hands up if you’re a worrier.

You aren’t alone. And the act of parenting a child through poor mental health means that often we’d love the typical teenage worries as we battle experience and emotions that many parents can’t even conceive of.

According to wikipedia, worry “refers to the thoughts, images, emotions, and actions of a negative nature in a repetitive, uncontrollable manner that results from a proactive cognitive risk analysis made to avoid or solve anticipated potential threats and their potential consequences.”

(No, me either! How to make something simple, complex!)

Basically, worry is a thief of the present moment, of a sense of control and of peace. Over time, it stops us believing we are capable of making change or creating solutions. It changes how we anticipate events and how we interact with others. And it keeps us stuck in a place where nothing has happened, but we carry the weight as if it had already come to bear.

Parenting a child struggling with their mental health is a study in worrying. The uncertainty of what might come next, or not. The extrapolations our mind creates can cause us to ponder an unlikely kaleidoscope of future what ifs. Worry becomes a part of the fabric of our lives, our minds, and our thought processes. Excessive worry is the basis for anxiety, so a simple concern can lead to our own mental health to decline. It can lead us to settle for less than we or our child deserves, because worry decides what volume we live life at. It can lead us to wrap our life around the things we worry about, in an attempt to control them. It can lead to us being consumed by a life we’ve not yet lived, in an attempt to control what happens next.

Worrying is definitely not good for us.

And it’s not good for our child either.

When we display excessive worry about our child, we can make them concerned about things that weren’t on their radar, we can show them that the world is challenging and that we and they can’t cope, and that their own future, as yet unwritten, isn’t the bright, brilliant, full of poten tial one that it is.

Worry can manifest as tension in our bodies - tension headaches, stomach aches, or feeling out of sorts - and like trauma, can remain in out bodies so that we’re never far from the thought becoming a feeling and the feeling becoming our reality.

Some worry is actually good for us - as it shows we are assessing risk and on guard to make changes where we need to. But worrying about your child’s potential for university when they’re 13 takes us from this moment, the only one we really have, into one we have neither control over nor the justification to worry about now.

So, how do we stop worrying about the things we shouldn’t worry about?

Here are a few ways:

Write your worries down and categorise them. Worrying is natural, but over-worrying isn’t, so if we can get a sense of the shape and scope of our worries it can give us some perspective. Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the centre. Write 2 column headings - things I can change today, things I can’t change today - and see what pops up in your mind. Write them down and then cut the paper in half and tear up the half you can’t change today. Or if you know you’ll worry about what was on that piece of paper, fold it up and put it somewhere where you’ll need it close. Maybe you worry most when you wake in the middle of the night - pop the paper in your bedside drawer so you can calm your mind on the things you can’t change now.

Schedule time to worry - a study at Penn State University concluded that the test group who had set a time and a time limit for worry had less worry and anxiety than the group that didn’t. Pick a 10 minute slot for worry and see what difference it makes. If you try it for 2 weeks, you should see a difference in your mood, mind, and sleep.

Unpick the worries - are they realistic? Founded in some truth? Worth worrying about? Can you do something about them? Using problem solving can help you change up how you consider the things that keep you awake at night. Maybe ask a different question, think how you’d advise a friend in a similar situation, or consider what you’d do if there were no barriers. Even though the barriers still exist, it might just help you to see an alternative way forward - or an alternative response.

Personify Worry - when we personify the narrative in our minds, it makes it easier to distinguish between unhelpful and helpful thoughts. Negative Nancy, Moaning Mavis or Worry-wart Wanda need a talking to sometimes, so don’t be afraid to challenge the voice that causes you worry. Ask yourself - is this realistic? Is this helpful? Is this true? It’s likely that it isn’t.

Time boxing - time boxing is a concept that has helped many parents to live in the moment when the moment is heavy and hard. If we can scoop up all the elements that cause us worry - the big ‘what ifs’, the small ‘what mights’, and the ‘probably won’t ever happen but let’s worry about it anyways’ - and writing these down, mind mapping or drawing them can help - then we can put them away for now, and come back to them at a later date. This is often enough to give ourselves permission to begin to ease up on over-worrying. Find yourself a box - literal or metaphorical - and pack them away. Decide on a date when you’ll revisit the worries and you’ll probably find that even if the situation hasn’t changed, the space and permission you’ve given yourself to not worry will mean that you have.

Shine a light on them…worry, like shame and mushrooms, grows in dark spaces where there is little light or consideration. Share with others in the PMH community, call a friend, call a helpline - shine some light on your feelings and things will be less heavy. We are here to listen.

In his book, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Dale Carnegie says “one of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon — instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.” And to do this, we need to be present. Being still, getting outside, meditating, being mindful, or being grateful each day can all help with this. So take 10 minutes and close your eyes. Focus on your breath. Imagine beautiful colourful light flooding your body as you inhale. And with each exhale, let the worry and the fear and the anxiety leave you.

The G Word - Guilt

Fri, 03 Feb 2023 16:03:21 GMT

Guilt is something so many parents whose child struggles with poor mental health battle. Guilt is a feeling that describes the regret or responsibility we play in a situation, or around the actions we have taken. We often feel guilt about things that did, but also things we have no control over or responsibility for, and things we perceive we should have had control or responsibility over.

We are conditioned to feel guilt - from our parents, our friends, our values, and society at large. It can be a way to share the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ of a civilised society, and we often associate guilty feelings with not living up to certain standards or ideals.

Perfect parenting doesn’t exist, because we’re perfectly imperfect people - without training or reference - but we can still load ourselves with the highest expectations that only lead to guilt when we don’t manage to reach the demands we place on ourselves.

When your child becomes depressed or anxious, there’s a whole stack of guilt waiting just for you.

Feeling you’ve caused this and should have stopped it somehow
Feeling you are to blame (for everything!)
Feeling inadequate when you can’t keep all the plates spinning
Feeling that you missed the signs
Being powerless to ‘fix this’
Having to make decisions that are in your child’s best interests but don’t appear to be immediately compassionate
Worrying about being a crap parent
Worrying about spending less time with your other children, your family, your job, your friends, yourself.
Feeling guilty for spending time on yourself.
Feeling guilty for not spending time with your child.
Feeling guilty when they can’t leave the house, have a shower, brush their hair, sleep on a standard sleep schedule, eat vegetables…

Need I go on?
And it creates a sense that guilty is a characteristic you should be ‘fessing up to on your passport or drivers license…Suzanne Alderson, 51 years old, 5ft 11”, Blue Eyes...Eternally Guilty

And that’s understandable. You probably have to bat away utterly ridiculous statements from people who simply don’t get it about “Good parents don’t let their children become depressed” or “Can’t you just make them go to school/eat/stop being anxious.” Did you hear my eyes roll?

Joking aside, because of our state of constant guilt, these comments reinforce the beliefs that we have somehow caused this situation through our poor and pathetic parenting.

NOT TRUE!

You likely didn’t cause this, and you can’t fix it!

What does guilt do to us?

Guilt can actually show us better ways to act and behave, but mainly, from my experience and from supporting other parents, it steals the present from us. It takes away our sense of peace. And it stops us from connecting with our child and significant others in our life.

When you carry associated guilt ( for big things like the state of your child’s mental health to smaller decisions) it changes the lens you see the world through. You start from a place of blame and take every responsibility which can easily transfer into a state of shame where we see our actions or inactions as being a sign of our innate weakness or that we’re uncaring, impotent people. We can begin to feel ashamed of ourselves and the situation we find ourselves in, all layered with guilt for individual situations and decisions. This can lead to us becoming withdrawn, anxious, and depressed ourselves. It cuts connection, as we exist in a state of self berating; flagellating ourselves for what we coulda, woulda, shoulda, and in time, for everything and anything. And all done somewhere in our own heads, locking out the opportunity for empathy, connection, and love from others who may be able to remove the guilt you carry.

A word about your child

If you have made decisions for your child’s benefit, or because you’ve taken the best medical advice, or because of a danger to your child’s safety or life, you have no need to feel guilty. I understand you might, but it isn’t helping you or them now.

Your child will understand in time. You did the very best you could at the time, with the knowledge and capacity you had. They will understand in time. You’re doing the right thing. And it won't help them, because every moment you spend considering the failures of your actions or decisions is a moment you're not present or hopeful or taking care of yourself so you can take care of them.

So how do you manage guilt?

Recognise it - that it’s happening and the impact it’s having on you. Are you less present because of it? Look at your actions - were they caring? Did you do the best? Be proud of them then! Ask yourself - did I do the best I could in the circumstances?
Challenge it - is it justified? Really? You might want to explore this with a friend or therapist and it may take time, but the more you can see that carrying guilt for long periods of time for things you’re not in control of is not good for you, the more likely you are to do an Elsa ( let it go) Which leads to…
Recognise what you’re in control of - feeling guilty for things that are out of your control is a fast track to a lack of mental peace, and such an important step in not becoming consumed by it. You are in control of your behaviour, your responses, and your decisions. You are not in control of others’ responses, behaviours, or decisions, and if you have to make decisions or choices that are hard in response to these actions, you are being compassionate, not callous. You may find yourself in a space where you are having to make choices that are hard, but you are taking them because of someone else’s actions and for their benefit. You have nothing to be guilty for.
Isolate the guilt - recognise and acknowledge the specifics of what you're feeling guilty of, or you’ll end up feeling responsible for the spread of COVID across the world! If you can understand exactly what you feel guilty for, you can move to make changes around it…
Make amends if necessary or explain why…if you’ve done something your child doesn’t appreciate or agree with and you’re carrying the guilt for that, share that you understand their feelings and explain your reasons.
One of the tenets of the Parenting Mental Health community is to assume positive intent, and assuming your own positive intent when you do things that you may later feel guilty about can help you extract you from the situation.
Change your metrics and expectations - do you expect to have all of the answers? Do you expect life to play out as if it’s on a traditional path? Lower those expectations while your child is ill. Let go of expectations of perfection or having all your stuff together. It's ok not to have all the answers.
Live in the moment - when we really feel the moment, we can decide from the heart, not the head. Guilt tends to come when we’ve gone against our gut. Be present and feel those emotions. Again, a friend, a therapist, or the peer support in the Parenting Mental Health community can help you work through them. And if you are struggling, ask someone you trust if you should feel guilty. Sometimes we can’t see the truth for all the emotion around it.
Seek out the good - remind yourself that you’re a good person, you’re doing the best you can, and you’re coming from a loving, caring , nurturing place. Use kind words to remind yourself daily that you’re doing your best.
Last, but not least at all… FORGIVE YOURSELF! Love doesn’t always come across as red hearts and hugs. Sometimes it looks like hard decisions that feel even harder. You did the best you could with what you knew and felt at the time. Please, let yourself off the hook. You don’t deserve to carry this guilt forever.

Insights on parenting for therapists

Fri, 27 Jan 2023 16:01:33 GMT

This article was written by Parenting Mental Health Founder Suzanne Alderson, for PESI the UK's go-to CPD portal for psychotherapists, counsellors, psychologists and mental health professionals - to provide insights into a parents perspective on their child's therapy journey.

Parenting a Child Through Mental Health Struggles: 13 Insights for Therapists

What is it like for a parent when a child starts attending therapy? How can we better support guardians through this experience, and thus also improve the therapeutic process for our young clients? Suzanne Alderson, mother, author and founder of the charity Parenting Mental Health, offers a window into the thoughts, fears and un-voiced needs that may be racing through parents’ minds as they sit nervously in our waiting rooms.

Taking my 14-year-old daughter to her first psychotherapy appointment didn’t feel like one of my greatest parenting moments, and neither was the suicide attempt that led to us sitting in the waiting room. We both felt an understandable fear of the unknown, mine mixed with a desperate hope that the therapist could give me some answers and my daughter some peace.

Now, seven years on, the despair and fear I felt are present in almost every parent I work with. Parents are desperate for change and suffering with vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue as a result of parenting through poor mental health. In their compassionate pursuit of the ‘fix’ to help their child, they are burning out; in trying to find the one special diagnosis, treatment or approach that will work; in trying to get their child to engage with any service they might receive because they know how precious that opportunity is; in trying to be heard and understood, while battling to hear and understand.

Working with a young person means you can have the additional pressure of dealing with the parent too – their fears, worries, judgements and beliefs. To encourage deeper connection and understanding between therapists and parents, here are some of the things I’ve learned and heard in the course of supporting over 35,000 parents:

1. It’s likely I am emotionally dysregulated, yet completely unaware of it. I’m not emotionally safe because my child isn’t. I’m not going to remember things you say or say things I remember. Please be patient and consistent with me.

2. Why won’t my child speak to me, but they’ll share with you? I’m frustrated and angry that at this important time, I can’t help. I know you’re the professional and I should trust and respect your expertise, but you knowing more than me can feel threatening.

3. I’m not used to this level of uncertainty and I won’t always respond well. It’s a response, not who I am. I’m trying to make sense of this and I’m sorry and grateful to you in equal measure, even when I don’t appear that way.

4. This feels so wrong. I’m consumed by what’s happening and it is impacting my whole life. I won’t be showing you my best side, although I’ll be trying to make a good impression.

5. I don’t understand why you can’t tell me what you’ve talked about in the session – I’m the parent! Please share with me why the therapeutic contract and confidentiality is so important for my child’s wellbeing, and that I’m not the only parent who may struggle with this.

6. My impatience isn’t a reflection of your skill. I will be simplifying therapy into a set of instructions, much like a recipe in my head, in an attempt to understand. You can help me by reassuring me of the therapeutic process, of how important time is, and by being consistent in how we engage.

7. When my child struggles to engage with therapy, it feels like a personal attack on me and highlights further my feelings of helplessness. My desire for my child to be ok supersedes any possible understanding of the time and faith it takes to build a trusted therapeutic relationship.

8. If you think I can help my child, please find a way to tell me, without breaching my child’s confidentiality. If I’m reactive, or you don’t trust me to not bring things up directly, please don’t. We’ll all thank you eventually.

9. It might take me quite some time to realise that my child’s reality is different to mine. I’m probably going on a journey of self-discovery and healing too. And that’s sad and hard for me.

10. It’s probable that I didn’t do most of what my child said I did, but if I did, I had no idea of the impact. While my child looks at my actions as themes, I see them as individual events. You have the power to compassionately remind me that I can change my responses.

11. I feel so alone and you may be the only person I feel I can speak to about my child’s mental health without fear of judgement. If you can give me a few minutes to listen, and direct me to Parenting Mental Health or other peer support, it could make a real difference.

12. I’m grieving a life I thought we were going to have.

13. And finally, you are a lifeline to my family in a time of adversity. I appreciate you, even when I don’t appear to. Thank you. Please keep doing this important work.

Blog: Reframe your New Year resolutions

Sun, 01 Jan 2023 12:08:04 GMT

Take 5 minutes and a deep breath, considering new ways to handle the new year (or skip to the end to listen to Suzanne's calming voice reading for you). Wishing you the best new year possible.

1. Take time to honour the past

See the beginning of this year as an opportunity to pause and honour the previous year – or years – whatever they have brought you. Whether you have grown or gained, learned or lost, it’s important to acknowledge the impact of the past and understand where the challenges have left you.

Ask yourself: what has been particularly hard? What has brought you joy? What has helped you to cope? Have there been recurring situations or emotions you may want to set down this year? What is shouting at you that needs attention? And what are you proud of yourself for? How have you been compassionate and kind this year? When did you belly laugh and feel alive? What might you need to leave back in last year? What hope might you gift yourself for this year? What do you need?

2. Create new habits, not resolutions

How about reframing resolutions as a way of sharing hope and belief in change and happiness, rather than approaching them from a position of “I’m not good enough” or a reflection of our perceived weaknesses? The all-or-nothing, clean slate approach is in stark contrast to the habitual behaviours that we repeat because they are comfortable, familiar, and safe.

Resolutions feel different to our day-to-day habits. Habits are created by thoughts and memories which generate neural pathways in our brains. Research shows the benefits of exercises like gratitude to reroute our neural pathways to more positive ones, but if we’re going to overwrite our habits or shift direction in ways that feel unusual, we need more than an intention. We need to know why we consciously want to make that change, and what core beliefs we hold about ourselves and our ability to follow through.

3. Taking stock

Recognise what you already have. See the beauty in yourself. Look at the curve of your fingers; appreciate the feet that move you, the eyes that see; the arms that hold your child and their health and their hope.

Pause the drive of feeling inadequate. No one has a clue what it’s like to have to tread the path you’re walking. Celebrate your strengths. The load you carry. The breadth of your shoulders. The force of your love.

Pause the compulsion to change yourself to something else before you appreciate what you already are. What this experience has given you to own - your relentless strength and will to protect your child despite the deep exhaustion that leaves you on your knees; the judgement, the guilt, the grief that life isn’t as you’d hoped. You deserve kindness and compassion, not a to-do list that overlooks all you are in place of all you apparently *should* be.

4. Time to go back to basics

Do you take care of your basic physical and emotional needs? When did you consistently drink more water than coffee? When was the last time you had a full night’s sleep? Recognising your needs and sitting with that acknowledgment is a win. Remember, you can approach change on your terms, timescale and speed. You don’t have to do anything but get through each day, hour or moment.

5. A time for connection

There's a lot of research to support the idea that when we develop strong social connections, it has a positive impact on the levels of stress and anxiety we experience. The sociologist Émile Durkheim created the term “collective effervescence” to describe the uplift in our mood and the joy we feel when the mundane is done together. Parenting Mental Health (PMH) and the subgroups are a testament to the collective joy we feel when we go through experiences together - even those as challenging as having a child with a mental health issue. If you’re not a part of our community, please join us on our Facebook group .

Blog: Navigating Christmas

Sat, 03 Dec 2022 11:57:12 GMT

Christmas can be a magical time, filled with excitement, anticipation and fun times spent with family and friends. But, with changes to routines, it can also be a distressing, worry filled time for some young people and their families. And particularly if they have existing worries, these can be exasperated by the festive season. It can be a time of deep stress, comparison and disconnection. Add in your child’s mental health struggles (and maybe your own too) and you can see how the most wonderful time of the year can become an expensive, emotional burden. Poor mental health really highlights where meaning is - or isn’t - and you may feel that the only gifts you want - health, connection, understanding - simply can’t be delivered. So, as Christmas fast approaches, maybe these tips by Parenting Mental Health’s founder Suzanne Alderson will give you the support that you need to do Christmas your way.

1) Anything goes

If there’s anything good about your child’s mental health declining, it’s that your new normal means anything goes. Low key Christmas? No Christmas at all? You do you! There are no rules, so do whatever makes your home feel emotionally safe and stress-free. Whatever it is, do that! Forget ever more convoluted Elf on the Shelf setups or family PJs - how can you make your way through December in a way that serves your family best?

2) Manage everyone’s expectations

If you have family visiting or you’re expected to visit, talk to them about your child’s needs before Christmas. No, little Johnny might not make it down for the turkey or they may stay in their room all day - and that’s ok. But Auntie Maude going on about it is enough to put everyone off their sprouts. Warn the family in advance. Use clear language and be explicit with them in your communication so everyone knows what to expect. They might not understand it, but thank them for their support in helping everyone to enjoy the day on their terms. Be open to listening to their disappointment - remember this is the season of enforced jollity and it can be hard for some of us to abstract reality from the vision of perfection we’re fed. But, you’re not responsible for other people’s emotions, only your own.

3) Manage your assumptions

Christmas might just be what your child needs to lift their spirits if only for a momentary smile but it also might feel like huge pressure on them to show you how happy you’ve made them. Pop yourself in their shoes - are they feeling the pressure to take part for you or because they want to? Ask yourself - who am I doing this for? And why? We often try and recreate Christmas past to make our child’s memories similar to or better than ours. But our family dynamic is different. Going with the flow and meeting each moment as if it's a new one can help you not make assumptions about what your child can or can't do.

4) Build in time for you

When we’re juggling all the extra jobs Christmas seems to drop at parents’ feet, it’s easy to overlook our own needs and find ourselves face down in a bowl of trifle on Boxing Day. What do you need to feel grounded and well? Maybe it’s making sure you get outside for a quick walk or you limit the liqueurs? Or perhaps taking yourself off for some quiet time? This can model positive action to everyone in the house.

5) Reassess what love might look like

The enormous pressure for perfection at this time of year can lead us to overlook the really important things. It isn’t the largest pile of gifts and it isn’t picture perfect Facebook posts. It’s time, care and connection - and you don’t get that only on one day. If you can’t make the kind of memories you want this year, that’s ok. There will be other times to look ahead to. But allow yourself some space to reflect on your expectations and what you might see success as at this time of year. Is it reasonable or realistic? This can help you to decide what you and your family need and to process what you might not get.

6) This Christmas isn’t the measure for all Christmases - or for your capabilities as a parent

Give yourself some space and grace and go with whatever comes knowing the only constant is change. In 2015, we saw Issy for approximately 17 minutes on Christmas Day. The fact she could come down at all was a gift in itself. The fact she was alive was our Christmas miracle. Each year since then, Christmas has become less about the day and more about the acknowledgment of another year together. And it changes each year as we all change and grow. Whatever Christmas looks like this year, it’s likely it will look different in 12 months’ time. And don’t forget - it’s just one day!

7) Ask your child what they might want to do

When you’re struggling with your mental health, enforced jollity can make you feel more alone and misunderstood. You can feel that you're a deep disappointment and you may seem ungrateful. We know that when our child is struggling, it's not a case of won't engage, it's a case of can't. So one of the greatest gifts we can give our child is to actively listen to their needs and accept what feels right for them, even if we think they'll feel better if they join in. No, it might not look picture perfect but we all know behind those social media smiles, there’s a row brewing or someone really didn't want to wear reindeer antlers and be in the photo. Don't force the fakeness. What would help your child feel safe and loved?

8) Manage loss

The older we get, the more loss we experience. Christmas seems to magnify any form of grief or loss - from death, divorce, redundancy or the ambiguous loss we feel when our child has a mental health issue and we can’t conceive of a future for them - because it’s pitched as the time of togetherness. But it’s often not, and we can feel more isolated than ever. Be extra gentle with yourself. Ensure you have enough time to reflect and enough support to do it without feeling like the Grinch. Allow yourself to feel what you feel - it’s natural to miss someone on special days. Being grateful for the memories can help, but be kind to yourself as you process them.

9) Slow down the Christmas season

Songs may say it’s the season to be jolly, but actually it’s the season to slow down, recharge, rest and repair. In the midst of winter, our bodies need to get as much sunlight and as much rest as possible. So, get out for a bracing walk and then snuggle up in bed with a book. Not everyone is replete in sequins and partying the night away. Staying in definitely is the new going out in December.

10) Start some new traditions

Maybe you fancy taking up the Icelandic tradition of gifting a book and reading it with a steaming mug of hot chocolate on Christmas Eve or making gifts instead of buying them? Whatever suits your family. Maybe it’s a personal ritual like trying a new recipe or being grateful every day in December or going for a daily walk? How can you leave the festive season better than you started it?

11) Post Christmas Blues

Don’t be surprised if there is a crash after Christmas Day - your child might use all their energy to be present and appear happy and then need space and peace to regroup. That’s ok - the emotional energy we all use when we have to be happy on demand is exhausting. Build in plenty of down time around any activities or ‘peopling’. Doing nothing is often exactly what we need!

12) What is important to you as a family

Work out what is important to you personally and what you think you *should* do - maybe you’ve always hosted the family on Boxing Day or you worry that your child will not feel the love if you’ve not got everything on their list. Christmas is not about things. What Christmas gifts do you remember from being a child? Be disciplined about what you spend and limit it to what you can afford. You can make Christmas special with time together.

13) Remember - you can say no

If you can’t afford it, can’t face it or don’t want to do it - no is your new festive friend! And if that feels wrong, use the ‘thank you’ technique - Thank you, but we can’t make it. Thank you for understanding that I can’t stretch to that. Thank you for being so sweet about our decision to spend Christmas alone.

14) Find people who get it

On Christmas Day, while our household and guests sleep off the festive lunch, I will be in the Parenting Mental Health Facebook community supporting other parents who may not have had the perfect Christmas Day - because poor mental health doesn't stop just because it's a holiday and because the perfect Christmas Day doesn't exist! Being around people who get that sadness you might feel when you see everyone else having a seemingly perfect family get together is salve for the soul, and not having to pretend that everything is ok or perfect or happy is a gift you can give yourself.

"A DIAGNOSIS OF ASPERGER’S SYNDROME AT 5 TOOK US ALONG A ROAD OF EXPLORATION"

Thu, 17 Nov 2022 13:52:54 GMT

"A diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome at 5 took us along a road of exploration"

TRIGGER WARNING: USE OF DRUGS.

27 years ago the birth of my first child made me feel joyful, empowered and invincible. A bond full of promise and unconditional love was sealed at that moment. My dream to allow my son to grow up to be healthy, happy and successful was awakened. My first step into motherhood certainly was to change my life forever!

A diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome at 5 took us along a road of exploration. He thrived in our loving home and with the help of a classroom assistant and several adaptations he excelled in his studies. Studying was his safe place and his dream of studying maths at Oxford was in his grasp. Unfortunately, this wasn’t to be the case. He went through a number of stressful situations, which caused him to suffer a massive breakdown resulting in depression and very low self-esteem. Overnight he stopped functioning, his stare was vacant and he couldn’t sting a sentence together. His only solace in life was and sadly still is food (comfort eating). He has struggled to turn ‘the switch back on’.

"I cried every day, I rang everywhere for help only to be put from 'pillar to post'."

Parenting a child with mental health is an ‘unknown’ journey. I cried every day, I rang everywhere for help only to be put from ‘pillar to post’. His much-needed access to adult mental health services was short lived as I quickly found out they had discharged him because they asked him how he was and he muttered “I’m ok”. He wasn’t ok and hadn’t the ability to converse! Stress levels were unbearable. I was taking my frustration out on my son, trying to pull him out of bed and hurry his recovery.

My own mental health was in tatters; my 14-year-old son was stealing from me and taking drugs to cope, my beautiful daughter was being bullied for being 'too nice'. My worst nightmare unfolded and I had to make my son homeless to allow a local charity to step in…10 years on my son is home where he belongs but his mental health lingers and there’s no support. He was suicidal over the summer and even rang the mental health team himself but there was no follow up call as promised and he’s still waiting!

I found PMH a couple of years ago while searching as every mum does to help their child. What a discovery, a life line and a bright light of hope. Being a parent of a child with mental health is a dark, lonely, frightening road for the parent and child. PMH offers invaluable support, training, and connections with likeminded parents who just ‘get it’. It is a non-judgemental, safe place to seek help and give help. Completing the partnering not parenting course was definitely the best decision I ever made in my life. It has connected me to all my children again and has gave me hope and the knowledge to how best to respond to my son and at the same time look after me. I thank the PMH community and in particular Suzanne Alderson as I know I have finally found the place where I am meant to be.

Anonymous Parent Stories

"WITH OUR OWN CHILDREN WE’VE BEEN ON THE MENTAL ILL HEALTH JOURNEY FOR THE PAST 9 YEARS"

Thu, 17 Nov 2022 13:28:13 GMT

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, OVERDOSE

I’ve been aware of mental health problems really since my brother was diagnosed with bipolar nearly 40 years ago. Sadly, he died 20 years ago, having been in and out of hospital for 18 yrs.

With our own children we’ve been on the mental ill health journey for the past 9 years. Our middle child was the first to outwardly show signs of struggling with her mental health, we sought help from A&E on CAMHS, which was fairly ineffectual for her. Our eldest child struggles with his mental health but was more covert and he has never really been one for dealing with problems head on; he still struggles to this day, aged 26 years old.

Our youngest child suffered with poor mental health from the age of 13 years old, self harms, taken overdoses, depression, anxiety, CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and recently diagnosed with Bipolar. She has spent 15 months as an inpatient on both general admission units and low secure units within the mental health sector as well as general wards. She has received a lot of input from CAMHS and CITT (Community intensive therapy team) trying different therapies, however she failed to truly engage with them. Over 4 years down the line, she engaged with a psychologist, who has been a true turning point in our daughter’s life - and works with her weekly to this day.

"There’s a lot of sympathy out there but not so much empathy and understanding."

As a parent you feel you’ve let your children down, you feel lonely, you feel nobody can understand what you are going through because they’ve not experienced similar things themselves. There’s a lot of sympathy out there but not so much empathy and understanding.

Having children with significant mental health problems has a huge impact not only on their lives but family and friends lives too - I had to give up work, which was the right thing to do in our situation and luckily I was able, however it has isolated me further. Your ideas for their future change - sometimes helping them survive minute by minute is all you can manage.

Whilst watching the news one day, in January 2022 we saw Suzanne Alderson talking about Parenting Mental Health and it instantly struck a chord. There were people out there going through similar things to us, maybe at different stages but there was a community out there. Whilst she was still on air I searched for the PMH Facebook group and haven’t looked back since.

I read lots of posts which resonated with me, sought advice and also gave advice to others, or maybe just a kind word with virtual hugs attached. I joined a Listening Circle, during a difficult time but close to the discharge of our daughter; the support I received from the ladies in the group was incredible.

I have also attended Chat and Connect sessions; either when I felt the need to chat or when I felt in a position that I may be able to help other people too. I started the Partnering not Parenting course in July; unfortunately, due to circumstances, I’ve not been able to complete this yet, however we are regularly reminded that we are never behind and there is always time to work through the course-I’ve definitely connected with other people on the course and there is mutual support and advice as well as learning how to look after myself, enabling to be better prepared to walk alongside our daughter.

Since September, I have volunteered as a moderator for the Facebook group, giving something back, helping others and also giving my life a sense of purpose. I wished I’d found PMH years ago and maybe we wouldn’t have gone through what we have gone through alone and maybe our experiences would’ve been different.

I shout out about PMH and how much it has helped me support our daughter and ourselves through this really painful, lonely journey. I shall continue to raise awareness and funds for such a great charity and I wish I’d found you far sooner. Thank you

Anonymous Parent Story

"BOTH MY WONDERFUL TEENAGER ARE LATE DIAGNOSED ASD"

Thu, 17 Nov 2022 13:26:28 GMT

"both my wonderful teenager are late diagnosed asd"

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE

Both my wonderful teenagers are late diagnosed ASD. They are 14 & 17 and both currently out of education. My 14 year old daughter has sensory needs and social anxiety, she could not manage at school and we were threatened with attendance meetings so felt we had no choice but to deregister her. My 17 year old son is very clever but had a breakdown after completing his GCSEs due to the amount of pressure put on him and his needs not being met.

CAMHs discharged my son despite him being suicidal as he has ASD, we've spent nearly £2.5k so far on a private psychiatrist and medication for our son. Our daughter is still on the waiting list for CAMHs but we are expecting a similar result. PMH FB community has been a lifeline in getting support and advice as there's no support for parents of mentally ill children. It's had a massive effect on our family. Having a safe space to vent my frustrations and my fears has been vital to me otherwise I really don't know how I would have coped over the last 2 years.

Felicity

"MY SON WAS STRUGGLING WITH ANXIETY, SELECTIVE MUTISM AND CONTAMINATION PHOBIAS"

Thu, 17 Nov 2022 08:53:07 GMT

"my son was struggling with anxiety, selective mutism and contamination phobias"

I can’t remember how I found PMH, but finding you has been life changing for me, and I don’t say that lightly. When I first joined, my son was struggling with anxiety, selective mutism and contamination phobias. He was not able to attend school, and spent most of his time in his bedroom with lights off and curtains closed.

PMH has been there for me through the highs and the lows. Since joining, my son has been hospitalised twice and then was detained under a section in an adolescent psychiatric unit. I honestly do not know how I would have survived all of this without the support of Suzanne, her lovely team of Admods and the members of the main PMH group and the subgroups. I have since taken part in the Partnering not Parenting Courses and a Listening Circle. I have made friends who I look forward to speaking to.

PMH has given me back some of my identity, and connecting with others through the book club, the well-being subgroup and the craft subgroup has helped me to focus on something other than the turmoil at home. My son is now back home and we are taking small steps in his recovery. I know that PMH is there with me along the way and that puts me at ease.

Kimberley

"AFTER THE LOCKDOWN OUR DAUGHTER WHO WAS 12 FOUND IT HARD TO REINTEGRATE BACK IN TO SCHOOL LIFE"

Wed, 16 Nov 2022 14:58:36 GMT

"After the lockdown our daughter who was 12 found it hard to reintegrate back in to school life"

TRIGGER WARNING: RESTRICTING FOOD, SUICIDE

She was becoming more anxious and we noticed her withdrawing from us, spending all her time alone in her bedroom. She stopped eating meals with us and was gradually restricting food. One evening she very calmly came into the lounge and told us she wanted to end her life, and that she had a plan, and that she was scared.

We were thrown into turmoil because I think we had been trying to pretend to ourselves that her behaviour was just normal teenage stuff. But it was so much more than that. She shared with us a feeling of disconnection from friends, and that she found school too much. I tried everything I could think of to try to make sense of this situation, eventually we got her to agree to talk to a GP on zoom - and she told the GP honestly how she felt.

The GP did an urgent CAMHS referral. She also agreed that she could be signed off school. We had a good relationship with school and I openly shared that our child was having a break down and was not well enough for school. The CAMHS team called a few weeks later but when the appointment came out daughter didn’t feel able to engage. She had the rest of that term off school and was just at home getting through each day with small amounts of food and rest.

"I was in a bad way, trying to understand where this had come from 'out of the blue'."

I was in a bad way, trying to understand where this had come from ‘out of the blue’. I explored autistic burnout, ASD, ADHD, I read a lot, I phoned a lot of professionals and started to convince myself that she had a spectrum condition and needed assessment…but she couldn’t begin to consider going through the rigours of being assessed. She said to me that she felt I was trying to label her - that I could just take her to appointments and fix her. She told me very honestly it was about so much more than that.

Gradually our relationship became more tense. We existed in this hyper vigilant state for a few weeks, monitoring her, trying to understand, floundering really and with no help. Family members thought we were too soft and to tell her to pull herself together.

A while later I found a suicide note in her room. We sat with her and cried and told her how much we wanted her to stay with us. That was a turning point for her to begin to tell me how some of my well intended and also my less appealing tendencies had made her feel worse. She explained she feels I judge her, expect too much of her and am intolerant of her difference to me. Once I’d let myself see into the darker side of my personality, We realised we needed a journey of healing as a family. It was a long painful summer.

A colleague of my husband’s told me to join PMH on Facebook. It was a pivotal moment. I felt heard, supported, understood and so much less alone with this secret that my child was suffering. In the September I started the partnering course which was a huge step in the healing direction we needed. I learned to step down from authority as it wasn’t helping, to stand beside our struggling child and let the journey take the course she needed it to take, and to support her by her side throughout, come what may. I learned how to love her unconditionally. Something I haven’t received myself in life, and something I hadn’t the capacity to give her until this crisis happened.

Autumn term came and she was still too unwell for school. She agreed to a home tutor. The tutor was great and gradually she persuaded our child to try some counselling. We found a lady privately and they gelled well. Very slowly over the next few months we partnered, she started to have light back in her eyes, we home schooled lightly, and always kept the door open to return to school. There were difficult meetings with attendance officers and safe guarding people, where I felt excruciating shame about my inability to get my child back into school. I know now forcing her would have been divisive, but in the turmoil you feel you’re being judged as a bad parent.

Almost a year later our daughter came into the lounge once more and said I’m ready I’m going back to school on Monday…partnering now, we enabled her decision despite fears it might be too soon. She refused all the reduced time table and special measures offered and said I’m going back. After one false start, she did return full time the following Monday and has had 100% attendance ever since.

She’s now studying for 9 GCSEs in year 10 of the same school. She reached out to a new friendship group who embraced her without any questions as to where she had gone to. And she hasn’t looked back. My thoughts about any spectrum conditions were turned upside down by the resilience and coping she has shown since, and I regret now oversharing my views in desperate times because it fuelled her mistrust of me and her discomfort with seeing me so upset. Boundaries and self-awareness are a continuing journey for me, but supported by the partnering parents and Suzanne it feels very safe to develop myself to better support both of our children who are both now thriving and living life again, living life with parents who’ve got their back.

Anonymous Parent Story

"WE GOT A PHONE CALL FROM SCHOOL TO SAY THAT A CHILD FROM HER YEAR GROUP HAD DIED BY SUICIDE"

Wed, 16 Nov 2022 14:38:12 GMT

JOANNE & LUCY'S STORY

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE

"We got a phone call from school to say that a child from her year group had died by suicide"

"THE WONDER OF PMH IS THE SUPPORT YOU GET"

Wed, 16 Nov 2022 14:29:19 GMT

"THE WONDER OF PMH IS THE SUPPORT YOU GET"

There is such a depth of understanding. Having a child with poor mental health is so hard, and having people who understand the highs and deep lows is so powerful as a parent. For me, the Partnering not Parenting Course was invaluable (and I haven’t finished it yet!). There is no pressure to work through it at pace, which is actually one of the key points I think. You are not just welcome for the 10 weeks of the course, but longer. So taking it at your pace and doing what suits you when it suits you has this magic in that it all seems to come together as and when you need it.

W HAT HAS THE COURSE GIVEN ME?

Catherine

Event: Navigating Your Child’s Online World

Wed, 15 Jun 2022 09:39:31 GMT

Free Online Event > How to Navigate Your Child’s Online World: THURSDAY, 23 JUNE 2022 18:00-19:00 GMT

In the 21st century, teenagers live in two worlds: their physical world and their digital world and both are of equal importance. To remove a phone, for example, from a teenager may be akin to removing an arm. So, how do parents navigate the digital world that many of them don’t understand? Join Amit as he discusses this topic with Suzanne and the impact it has on the mental health of teenagers and parents.

Amit Kalley is a certified executive coach, educational consultant, and parenting & teen coach. He works with individuals and organisations in both the private and public sectors that want to go further and achieve more. He uses his knowledge in leadership, training, and coaching to support learners and leaders in fulfilling their potential and improving the most valuable relationships.

A former Deputy Headteacher in an East London secondary school, Amit also has his own podcast, What Do Parents Know, where he interviews mental health experts and individuals who have lived through issues that impact 21st-century teenagers. The podcast addresses issues ranging from eating disorders, social media, online grooming, and bullying to gambling, drug addiction, online gaming, and childhood trauma. Each episode provides guidance and information for parents of teenagers, empowering them with the knowledge and understanding needed to support their loved ones.

Join the session as Suzanne and Amit discuss this topic and the impact it has on the mental health of teenagers and parents. There will also be an opportunity to ask your questions. The session will be recorded if you can’t make it live.

THURSDAY, 23 JUNE 2022 FROM 18:00-19:00 > Join here: ‘How to Navigate Your Child’s Online World’

Please note you will need to be a member of our Parenting Mental Health Community to attend this talk. It’s free to join: https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingmentalhealth
The session will be a Facebook Live in the group – refresh the group to see the feed, or RSVP to be notified when it starts. The session will be recorded if you can’t make it live.

Interview with a Listening Circles facilitator

Wed, 15 Jun 2022 09:37:22 GMT

Parenting Mental Health’s Listening Circles are coordinated and facilitated by specially trained parent volunteers from the PMH community. All volunteers have their own lived experience and understand the power of being heard, and the value of connecting with other who understand the heartache of parenting a child through poor mental health. You can read more from the Listening Circles coordinator here . The role of facilitator is absolutely crucial to the success of PMH Listening Circle, we spoke to one of our facilitators to learn about their experience, from training to ‘the power of listening’. We spoke to two facilitators, Sian and Tanya, who were kind enough to give us their thoughts on Listening Circles.

Why did you want to become a Listening Circle facilitator?

I wanted to become a Listening Circle facilitator because I wanted to help to strengthen the amazing community of PMH, and help the parents that were going through a period of crisis. I found the PMH community after my own daughter had been mentally unwell for a few years, she is much better now than she was and when we were going through the crisis point with my daughter I felt so desperate and alone as a parent doing everything I could to help her and hoping that I was doing the right thing. When I found PMH Facebook a few years later it was an amazing source of support to hear from other parents going through similar situations. I wanted to be a Listening Circle facilitator because I know how hard it is, and how much it can help to know that somebody else understands and is there to support you through listening.

How did the training prepare you to become a facilitator?

The training, delivered by PMH Founder, Suzanne Alderson and Tanja Sharpe from Creative Counsellors prepared me by explaining the processes that we needed to follow if we had any concerns about the welfare of any of the participants. It was also really good at reassuring us that we have the necessary skills and experience to be effective facilitators for the session because of our own lived experiences. This helped give me confidence because it is quite nerve wracking when you run the first session. The most important thing I learned from the training was how to really listen to somebody, and how powerful that is.

How would you describe the training process?

The training was excellent and really thorough. I learned skills that I will be able to use as a Listening Circle facilitator and also to help and support others outside of that space. Suzanne and Tanja were amazing throughout and provided us with the tools to be confident in moving forward.

Did you feel supported throughout the process by PMH?

There was a massive amount of support from PMH. We had a comprehensive training package that lasted weeks and we also had emotional welfare sessions to make sure that we were also ok as we ran the circle sessions. The admin support was also excellent. If ever a problem or issue did come up, somebody from the PMH team got back to me straight away. I felt very supported throughout.

What power have you observed in being heard?

This was a real eye opener for me. I had known that actively listening to somebody offers that person a supportive space but I hadn’t seen it in action in such an impactful way before. Giving people the space and support to be heard, with everybody in the circle having their turn, was more powerful than I had expected.

It’s incredibly powerful to be heard. Despite knowing the issue at hand may not be fixable, being able to talk things through without fear of judgement is an incredible way of supporting or being supported by someone effectively.

What impact has being heard had on the Listening Circles participants?

I can only go from the evaluation forms that the participants filled in. The feedback was that they felt supported and understood, by each other as well as by me as the PMH facilitator.

What impact has being involved in the Listening Circles and training as a facilitator had on your own mental health?

The stories that were shared by everybody during the circles, and during the training, has given me an insight into what other parents are going through and what they are doing to help their children. It has helped my own mental health to know that we are all trying our best for our children, and will continue to do so. I will always remember the parents that I met as a facilitator and in the training, the stories that were shared and the support that was shown to each other.

Would you recommend training to become a Listening Circles facilitator to other parents?

Yes, I would recommend training to become a Listening Circles facilitator. The training is excellent, giving you skills to use as a facilitator and in other parts of your life. You will meet some amazing people who have similar experiences to you, and most of all you will help other parents who are going through their own hard times and you will be part of a group that gives them support when they need it most. It’s a wonderful feeling knowing I might make a difference to someone else’s life.

If you would like to learn more about becoming a Listening Circles facilitator or joining a Circle as a participant, please email circles@parentingmentalhealth.com

Parenting Mental Health would like to give our heartfelt thanks to our incredible facilitators, and all those who volunteered to make Listening Circles a reality.

Focus on PMH Wellbeing

Wed, 15 Jun 2022 09:33:00 GMT

Our community, at the time of writing, has nearly 29,000 members of our main group who offer support, understanding and advice to one another. But did you know we also have 12 sub groups which are open for any members of the main group to join? Sub groups tend to be smaller and more intimate than the main group, offering the same support and understanding as the main group but with a different focus. Each month we will be shining a light on a different sub group, kicking off with the wonderful ‘PMH Wellbeing’ and talking self care and connection with the group Admin, Teresa.

Teresa is an Admin for the PMH main group and Lead Admin of the PMH Wellbeing sub group. She found Parenting Mental Health 4 years ago, whilst desperately searching for advice and support for her child’s anxiety and depression. It was a revelation to realise that she had found other parents that were going through similar issues. PMH Wellbeing is a closed group exclusively for members of Parenting Mental Health to focus and reflect on their emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, environmental, social and intellectual wellbeing; to find support and accountability and to explore who they are and who they want to be, outside of their role as a carer for their child.

“It’s not about what you weigh or how much exercise you can do” Teresa explained “It’s about taking care of yourself and nourishing your mind, body and soul so you can have the strength, self belief and resilience to cope with the challenges of parenting a young person with a mental health issue, and to find yourself in the experience.”

She continued “PMH Wellbeing has been designed to be a safe space, where you can explore what you want for yourself as a person, not a parent. We focus on connection, support and cheerleading to help you keep your body and mind as healthy and happy as you can. You can expect the group to cover a range of topics based on the 8 Pillars of Wellbeing ranging from the physical and emotional, through to spiritual and environmental. The ethos being that if we as parent/carers are physically, mentally and emotionally well, we will be better equipped to manage the stress of supporting a mentally ill child. This differs from the main group which tends to be focused on the child, and coping with the challenges of parenting a young person with depression, anxiety or other mental health problems. The analogy often used within the group is that of an oxygen mask on an airplane “we must put on our own mask, before helping others.” It’s also very important to set an example of self care to our children, to model the blueprint for their own wellbeing.”

Teresa believes that by joining PMH Wellbeing members enjoy greater connection, encouragement and support, in addition to new ideas on how to integrate self care into everyday life – and over 1700 cheerleaders to help keep you motivated!

“It’s a space where you can set your intentions, track your journey, ask for help if you’re struggling, and celebrate when you’re winning.” Teresa explained ”It’s about being the best version of you. Whatever that means to you, we’re here to help you take a step towards it, and feel great about being YOU.”

Self care is important for everyone but arguably even more so for the parents of young people suffering from poor mental health. Taking time to attend to your own needs can improve your emotional and physical health, giving a short respite from the ongoing stress – ultimately enabling you to be a better caregiver.

So what does self care look like for members of PMH Wellbeing? “For me it’s things as fundamental as ensuring I attend all my own medical, well-woman, dental & optician appointments. It’s vital to prioritise sleep, when it’s possible and ensure I’m resting when my body tells me.” Teresa continued, “I try to ensure my home is decluttered and clear, and enjoy things as simple as reading (physical books, rather than digital) or watching the birds in the garden and listening to bird song. I enjoy Netflix binges and listening to podcasts when I can. Practicing gratitude (check out the main group for a daily gratitude post) and volunteering for PMH both bring a sense of satisfaction which improves my own mental health.”

So do come and visit the lovely folk at PMH Wellbeing, get some ideas and inspiration for how to build self care into your day to day. Experience the encouragement, connection and support this lovely group provides for yourself.

Visit Parenting Mental Health Wellbeing: https://www.facebook.com/groups/pmhwellbeing

(Please note you must be a member of the Parenting Mental Health main group to join PMH Wellbeing)

Suzanne talks Partnering Not Parenting

Mon, 13 Jun 2022 09:17:17 GMT

Parenting a child with a mental health issue really isn’t the same as parenting a child. Not only are there so many other factors at play – grief, guilt, shame, isolation, despair and deep, pervasive fear – but the typical and traditional parenting advice can jar with the harsh reality of a depressed or anxious teenager or when your child wants to end their life. Our actions and reactions can isolate our child and reinforce the belief that we really don’t get it.

And yet, we’re given the same advice about parenting a child – as if this is some kind of choice, some decision they have taken and can pull themselves out of their low mood or calm their sympathetic nervous system as soon as we tell them to. If only it were that easy.

Some information overlooks the reality of the reasons behind our child’s mental health. When my daughter, Issy, was depressed, the clinicians wanted her back in school days after an attempt on her life: the same place that had led her to feel compelled to end her life.

As I tried to follow advice that would probably be sensible if I hadn’t been dealing with the fallout of poor mental health, I saw Issy drift further and further away – from her belief that I was on her side and saw her pain and that recovery was possible. As much as I wanted to ‘fix’ this and force change, when I tried to I lost another piece of her. Something had to change, and it had to be me.

So I started to listen, really listen, to what she was telling me and what her behaviour was trying to share. I started to focus on communicating with compassion, living adaptively with flexibility to enable her to remain in an emotionally safe space, and speaking up for her needs and wants. And quickly in some ways and over the longer term in other, the dynamic shifted and our connection grew.

I realised that other parents in the PMH community wanted similar connection and change and so I developed the approach further and called it ‘Partnering not Parenting’ – a compassionate communication framework that supports parents to understand their experience and build connection and trust when their child has a mental health issue. I ran the first course in 2019 and we’ve supported hundreds of parents since then.

Changing our behaviour can feel counterintuitive and demands that we reflect on how we speak, what we expect, assume and believe. I know, I’m sorry – I wish I had a magic wand!

But if you embrace the adversity of this experience, there is deep connection and hope to be found. You’ll find videos on ‘Partnering not Parenting’ in the PMH community and if you search it, you’ll find many, many testimonials about how it’s helped parents reframe the relationships with their child, and themselves, including this lovely message of possibility and change from Elaine:

“Initially I was skeptical as to how an online course would ever help, guide or support me on this lonely, tough and challenging journey of parenting my young adult with mental health.

I was a lost soul plodding along aimlessly as I didn’t know what to do anymore to help my son. Everything I said he took as criticism. I was weary, had cried a river, exhausted every avenue and any connection we had was lost. I had given up trying and my self maintenance and survival route was to retreat further from my son and let my hubby deal with it. Not ideal but after 9 years, I was done!

I can’t recommend this course enough. It is mind blowing. It is informative, in depth, interactive, it makes you think and reflect but the most important thing is IT WORKS.

I wanted, needed to change as I love my son and I yearned for connection. I actively participated and listened to the course content and began Partnering my son. I didn’t tell him I was doing the course but allowed the Partnering lessons I was learning to gradually seep in.

I learnt that I can’t fix or change him but I can change the way I react. I started complimenting instead of criticising and he thanked me for my kind words!! He told me “I’ve noticed you are much more pleasant lately”!! Only last night he came into the living room and sat and chatted for an hour!!! This hasn’t happened in many years. This course has helped me find and build CONNECTION again. I can’t praise it enough. I truly believe that wherever you are on your journey and wherever you live in the world, no matter what age your child, young adult, adult is – this Partnering not Parenting course when grasped with both hands is life changing"

Our next ‘Partnering not Parenting’ course begins on July 25th 2022. It’s a 10 week self study course with a special Facebook community to connect and collaborate on the resources together. There are live training sessions as well as opportunities to chat and connect with other parents.

I’m in the course group regularly to answer questions and help you through the challenges of parenting a child with a mental health issue. All of the video and audio resources (with subtitles and transcripts) are accessed via your phone or laptop and you get to keep the resources so you can listen to them when you need them. (So far, I’ve heard of parents listening on dog walks, Couch to 5k, and in the bath!)

In the course, we cover:

Understanding Partnering Not Parenting: learn about the concept of Partnering, why you are doing the course and the importance of self care through this process.
Acknowledgement and shifting our mindset: Acknowledgement, changing your mindset, dealing with uncertainty, understanding your child’s reality and stepping down.
Moving towards acceptance: acceptance, grief, guilt, your own mental health
New ways of communicating: changing the ways you communicate, reflections on your behaviour, standing beside your child
Dealing with disconnection: assumptions, short term vs long term thinking and expectations
How to build connection:building trust, consistency and connection, patience
Empowering your child: empowering your child with choices, reminders on your powers, dealing with frustration and anger – yours, theirs and others, boundaries
Travelling together: difficult decisions, new opportunities, travelling together
Steps towards the future: building resilience, how to move forward when you feel you’re stuck, illness, condition, destiny?

While I touch on it in my book, ‘Never Let Go – How to Parent Your Child Through Mental Illness’ the course is a much deeper dive into the process, and gives you an opportunity to put the approach in to practice while getting support and help for your specific challenges.

The course costs £150 for one year’s access ( the course is run 3 times a year) and Parenting Mental Health is offering 25 scholarship places on the course for parents who don’t have the resources to pay.

If you’d like more information on the course, and the link to join when we release it in under 2 weeks time, please email info@parentingmentalhealth.com

If you’d like to apply for a scholarship place, please email info@parentingmentalhealth.com with Scholarship in the subject line and share a little of your situation and why you’d like to join the course. It’s confidential and we’ll let you know if you have a place on 20th July.

Artwork courtesy of Andrea Selley at Rafiki Art

Talking Teen Mental Health with HRH Duchess of Cornwall

Thu, 05 May 2022 15:07:55 GMT

PMH Founder Suzanne Alderson was invited to join community leaders at the official opening of the new London headquarters of Meta by the Duchess of Cornwall and Prince Charles .

At the event, Suzanne was invited to a parenting round table with the Duchess of Cornwall where she discussed the challenges of parenting a child with a mental health issue. Camilla was very interested in our work and recognised the growing challenges of poor mental health, particularly due to bullying and the isolation of the pandemic. Suzanne also took tea with the Duchess, enjoying honey made from the Royal Orchard Spring at their Highgrove Estate.

Suzanne said “Meeting HRH The Duchess of Cornwall was a real highlight of my time as Chair of Parenting Mental Health. Her Royal Highness was very keen to learn more about the work we are doing and understood the needs of parents to get support, help and understanding when their child has a mental health issue.”

Suzanne passed on a copy of her book Never Let Go to the Duchess’s team who received it with thanks.

Team PMH triumph at the London Landmarks Half Marathon

Thu, 05 May 2022 09:03:52 GMT

This April, 20 supporters and members of the Parenting Mental Health community rose to the challenge to complete the 13 mile London Landmarks Half Marathon 2022. Our participants, known collectively as #TeamPMH, travelled to London from all over the country, with one even flying in from Ireland!

The race started in the grandeur of Pall Mall, which connects St. James Street to Trafalgar Square. Despite 74,000 people entering the ballot for this year’s event, all 20 of #TeamPMH were awarded a coveted spot on the starting line with the 14,000 participants in this year’s event.

Thankfully the team were blessed with sunny and dry weather as they made their way past some of London’s most iconic buildings and landmarks. In fact, this is the only London marathon which passes through the City of Westminster.

The team made their way past historic buildings such as the Tower of London and the Bank of England, contrasting with some of the more modern buildings on the capital’s skyline such as the Shard, the Cheese Grater and the Gherkin.

PMH Treasurer, Sue Flesher, along with supporters from the PMH community set up an incredible ‘cheer station’ in a prime spot along the Embankment. From here they were able to support, cheer and refuel the team.

Sue said, “Manning the cheerleading stand for the 2nd year in a row for Parenting Mental Health was another amazing experience. It was an honour to cheer on our PMH Team and the thousands of other runners all raising money for worthy causes. Our #TEAMPMH were truly awesome, many of whom are in the PMH community and being able to overcome the challenges to attend the event, let alone taking on the challenging 13.1 mile route and raising funds for a community and charity that has had the opportunity to support them is inspiring. So many friendships have been formed by this event, seeing the love, support, understanding and compassion shown between our team members has made me realise that this event is not just about fundraising, but allows important in person connections to be made that will hopefully last for many years. It was an incredible day, full of smiles, encouragement, cheering, hugs, congratulations, grit, determination, compassion, support and positivity. I can not wait to do it all again next year!”

After crossing the Thames the runners and walkers made their way past the London Eye, Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament and were then rewarded with a stately finish at Whitehall and Downing Street.

#TeamPMH were a diverse group this year. Some were seasoned runners, this being a fantastic medal to add to their collection, some were very new to event running having only completed their first half marathon months before, and other members of the team had little or no running experience, and completed the 13 mile course by walking it. All team members gave it everything they had.

#TeamPMH member Jill said, “Running LLHM was the most amazing experience of my life. I couldn’t have asked for a better support network from PMH during the lead up to the marathon and the Team that took part have become friends. The day was superb and as a non runner the atmosphere made me run some of it putting in a personal best since my last attempt at something similar. Seeing the cheer station near the end was a wonderful boost. I can’t wait to do it again.”

If you are interested in participating in the London Landmarks Half Marathon in 2023 or attending as a #TeamPMH supporter, please email events@parentingmentalhealth.com

An Introduction to Listening Circles

Thu, 05 May 2022 08:52:39 GMT

Back in 2020 Suzanne Alderson, Founder of Parenting Mental Health, had a vision of creating Listening Circles within the Parenting Mental Health community. The aim and vision of these was to provide an added resource; a warm, friendly, safe space where parents could meet once a week on a zoom in a small group of up to 6 parents, facilitated by a trained Listening Circle Facilitator where someone would ask “how are you” and hold that space. A space where you could talk, if you wished to, be heard, supported, offer support to others and form connections with other members. Parenting Mental Health Charity generously funded all of this, so that it was an additional resource and form of support that could be offered to all members.

Mindful of the risk involved in supporting parents in crisis, the initial pilot took place with members of Parenting Mental Health and trained counsellors. The pilot produced some astonishing changes with parents’ mental health improving by 75%, feeling 69% more in control of their emotions, 60% more in control of their life and 77% more confident dealing with professionals.

What became clear was that parents benefitted hugely from this experience and wanted to connect and be heard. It was also clear from the pilot that parents with lived experience could bring the listening skills and ability to hold space, but importantly an empathy and understanding that is only gained through caring for a child with a mental health issue.

Setting this up from scratch took time – besides necessary behind the scenes paperwork, Suzanne collaborated with Tanja Sharpe, a qualified and highly experienced Counsellor and Founder of Creative Counsellors, the UK’s leading collective of counsellors who use creativity in their work, to devise a bespoke training programme for Listening Circle Facilitators.

The Facilitators were all members of Parenting Mental Health – parents who were naturally understanding, compassionate and empathetic and who wanted to bring their uniquely valuable and vast lived experience to support others in need. Members were invited to apply for the role, completing various forms and questionnaires and were then vetted before selection took place. The bespoke training package consisted of many hours of training sessions, skills practice sessions, training with a qualified Safeguarding Lead and then a DBS check. The vetting, selection process, training was all vital to ensure the Facilitators were right for the role, prepared for working with groups, and that they felt equipped and emotionally ready to do the role too.

Once the Facilitators were in place and trained, we advertised this new resource with Parenting Mental Health and worked with a qualified mental health professional to vet them to ensure everyone’s safety. We started off with 9 Circles, consisting of 6 members in each, although we received many applications and were over-subscribed. Throughout the whole process both the Facilitators and members’ wellbeing was monitored via surveys and check ins were on offer if needed. We also had access to a trained counsellor, but this was not ever required. This was a really helpful tool for the team to ensure everyone was ‘okay’ and monitor the effectiveness of the sessions to give feedback to the Charity.

Throughout the duration of the Listening Circles, Facilitators had ongoing Emotional Support and Feedback Sessions with Suzanne and Tanja and options for additional support if required. Their wellbeing, and feeling supported, was also paramount.

Members really embraced this unique opportunity. Knowing that they had 8 fixed sessions, and that it was an extra safe space within an already safe space of Parenting Mental Health, they embraced the opportunity to share and listen. The openness, honesty, trust, and vulnerability shown was humbling. It was up to members what they shared, how much or how little, but people did. There were tears and laughter, highs, and lows – all the reality of parenting a child with poor mental health, but you were amongst people who ‘got it’. Some groups used the whole time in the Circle to talk, other groups liked doing some self care exercises – the Facilitators were adaptable to meet the needs of their attendees.

The feedback received from members about their Circles was absolutely amazing. They felt heard, supported and understood, that someone cared, their thoughts, feelings and emotions were validated, it lightened the load and they formed bonds and connections. Committing that time each week to themselves, a source of self-care, was not only important but for some was the highlight of their week. People shared personal things that they don’t always feel able to share with friends and family as they don’t want to worry them, or be misunderstood. So to have such an understanding, judgement free space was priceless. Members reported feeling comfort in not feeling alone with their situation and learning about other people’s life experiences too and new ways to handle things, new tools to try by sharing information and resources.

Whilst there were many improvements for members that could be measured statistically via the weekly surveys, the biggest measure was in the members’ own feedback of what they gained. All of the Circles went on to form a Messenger/Whatsapp group to keep the connection going, and many have signed up to attend a second Listening Circle. On this mental health journey we sometimes have to, or need to, measure the wins in life differently, and the Circles were most definitely a win for our members, Facilitators and Parenting Mental Health.

We can’t thank everyone enough who was involved from the Charity, the Listening Circle Team, the Facilitators and the Members, for not only bringing this vision of Suzanne’s to life, but for making it such a huge success and additional resource to Parenting Mental Health.

If you have a question about Listening Circles, please email circles@parentingmentalhealth.com

Written by Alison Herbert

Volunteer Listening Circle Lead

Parenting Mental Health featured on BBC1's The One Show

Thu, 28 Apr 2022 08:19:08 GMT

On Thursday 24th March, PMH Founder Suzanne Alderson’s tireless work for the Parenting Mental Health community and charity were recognised and celebrated on BBC1’s The One Show. Suzanne was nominated for their flagship “One Big Thank You” award which recognises those who have gone above and beyond to help their community.

The One Show is regularly watched by over 5 million people, so this was a great way not only to show our gratitude to Suzanne for her dedication to the community and charity, but also to raise awareness of Parenting Mental Health and reach many families in need of support.

Suzanne was surprised by a film crew and BBC Radio Coventry & Warwickshire presenter, Trish Adudu, at the Iron House art gallery and venue in Birmingham, under the cover story of her Husband being filmed by a local news crew, to talk about the impact of the pandemic on hospitality venues. Suzanne was asked to unveil a new painting at the gallery, unaware that the painting had actually been created especially for her. Nearly 100 members of the PMH community had contributed to the artwork, creating poems and photographs which were woven together by local artist Ioana Enache into an astonishing 6ft x 6ft canvas. The expression and emotion on Suzanne’s face when she realised that the meaning behind the artwork is absolutely priceless!

After the initial shock had worn off, Suzanne was taken to a nearby park where another big surprise was waiting. Nearly 30 members of the PMH community cheering and clapping around a huge outside broadcast screen. Video messages of thanks from the PMH community, from the UK to California and Australia were played. Mental Health advocate and TV presenter Stacey Dooley had also taken time to thank Suzanne.

Suzanne said: “This came as a huge surprise, but I want to thank our great community and ‘The One Show’ for it. Parenting Mental Health was born during one of the hardest moments of my life, but to see it provide a service for 27,000 other families around the world is amazing to see.”

Today we support parents globally, in fact, the BBC producers commented that this was their first international ‘One Big Thank You’. Our community have shared stories and experiences, created bonds and friendships which will have helped many families through some of the darkest periods of their lives.

In the BBC studio Suzanne was cheered and clapped by singer Michael Buble and Chef Gordon Ramsay, as well as One Show presenters Alex Jones and Rylan. The feature concluded with Rylan shouting out “We love you Suzanne!”, a sentiment we at PMH definitely share!

parenthingmentalhealth

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Small Charities Week - Thank You

Small Charities Week

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NEW REPORT OUT NOW

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We climbed a mountain

Four analogies for parenting mental health.

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Support from someone with experience is invaluable.

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WE CANNOT PROVIDE OUR CHILDREN WITH WHAT

﻿ THEY NEED...

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Kimberley

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"THE WONDER OF PMH IS THE SUPPORT YOU GET"

W ﻿ HAT HAS THE COURSE GIVEN ME?

Catherine

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WE CANNOT
PROVIDE OUR CHILDREN
WITH WHAT

THEY NEED...

W HAT HAS THE COURSE GIVEN ME?